Alone together: His space, her space

By Paula Ganzi Licata | Newsday Staff Writer

1:49 PM EDT, July 3, 2008

"My wife and I are married for 40 years and love each other dearly, yet we rarely occupy the same room of our house except for an occasional dinner together or when guests or grandchildren are here," said Art Mattson, 65, of Lynbrook, regarding their daytime activities -- they do end up in the same bedroom every night.

"Our interests in reading, music, television, sports, computers, writing, and finance not only do not intersect, they clash," Mattson said, "So we keep them apart."

Evelyn Kandel, 75, of Glen Cove, said, "My husband gets up and immediately goes to put on the computer. He spends a great deal of time each day on it. I have my own studio where I write."

"We have separate televisions," said Bert Jablon, 81, of Syosset. "That is the key to viewing peace."

For many couples on Long Island, retirement means retiring to separate corners of the house. With multiple TVs and computers in the home, it's easy to both be home but alone. In addition to time spent apart outside the home -- different friends, interests, volunteer commitments, even vacations -- time at home is often spent independent of each other.

According to experts, there is an emotional and psychological side to retirement that has to do with each other's time and space. Couples may need to acknowledge and accept each other's independent interests.

The "golden years" may mean the pursuit of a long-awaited passion and firing up a second career -- goals that are specific to the individual. Does your partner know that you intend to spend the better part of your day in the garden? At your computer? Working in the garage?

"It is just as important to plan for the emotional and interpersonal requirements of retirement as it is to plan for the financial necessities," said Michael Zentman, PhD, founding director and faculty, Adelphi University Postgraduate Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy. "Identifying time and space needs for oneself and one's spouse is critical for successful retirement."

In recent years, technology has had an impact on relationships and encouraged alone time -- with Blackberries, laptops and iPods.

Technology breeds solitude

"Involvement in the new technologies tends to be solitary activity," said Peter Kanaris, PhD, of Smithtown, whose areas of expertise are psychology for seniors and marriage counseling. "Whether plugged into headphones listening to music or on the Internet, it contributes to a 'do your own thing' approach and de-emphasizes interaction."

Everyone's space needs are different, and it is usually after child-rearing and careers that differences in those needs become apparent. But differences aren't necessarily a bad thing, many say.

Mattson, and his wife, Nori, 63, have little in common in terms of hobbies, sports and interests, though he didn't fully realize that until retirement. "I expected lots of everyday interaction and shared activities," said Art. "I expected Nori to quit her volunteer job so that we could spend time together, perhaps playing golf -- Nori hates golf, as I learned -- or going on excursions to New York City. She dislikes the city."

But what they found was their own space. Art never expected to spend hundreds of hours alone researching his book, "The History of Lynbrook," published in 2005. Nori says friends and family might be surprised to learn of the sizable amount of time they spend apart "because we take such extended vacations together, and even hold hands when we walk down our block to the gym. Our neighbors think we are oh so close," she said. "Little do they know we hardly see each other for the entire day." Yet they are inseparable on their long motorcycle trips throughout Europe and out west.

Right balance

Psychologists specializing in counseling of older couples said it is imperative to find the right balance and harmony within your relationship as you segue into retirement and as your retirement evolves. Tobi Abramson, PhD, a geropsychologist and coordinator of outreach for New York Institute of Technology's Center for Gerontology and Geriatrics, notes that there isn't one right answer as to how much time together or apart is healthy. "Each person in the couple needs to assess what their needs, preferences and desires are," she said. "One of the women I have counseled said, 'I love him for better or worse, but not for lunch.'"

Some retirements are structured like the workweek. Kanaris explained that some couples set up a pattern of togetherness and interaction that would approximate a busy hardworking couple -- together more at night, on weekends and vacations. "We inherently create a balance in our lives with each other," said Kanaris.

Jim Burke, 70, and his wife, Jean Hrbek, 60, of Northport have created such an arrangement. "We work volunteer careers of different sorts and come together for the same old peace and quiet we used to have at the end of the day," said Jim. Though they watch TV together, they also have their own spaces. Jim has a workroom for repairing computers for the nonprofit organization, SeniorNet, and Jean has a crafts room for card making and stamping.

Separate spaces seem to be a common denominator in many retirement stories.

"We each have our own home offices," said Candi Vene, 62, referring to the separate spaces she and her husband, Doug, 63, have carved out of their 1880 Victorian house in St. James. "I also have a sewing room."

Bert Jablon and his wife, Myra, 72, also have established their own turf under their shared roof. "I have the den, now a reading refuge area for me," said Jablon. "She refers to it as my hermitage."

A healthy dose of time spent pursuing independent interests and hobbies can be beneficial, psychologists and others say. The right mix of separate and together time is different for everyone. The key to keeping independence from becoming isolation is communication. A partner's desire to spend time working on a novel shouldn't be interpreted as a rejection of the spouse. Tell each other what you want, and listen. Is there a danger that too much separate time will lead a couple to drift apart? It's a qualitative not a quantitative issue, notes Zentman.

"You need to be on each other's minds," said Zentman, even if you're not in each other's company. A telltale sign is often irritability, rendered as 'you're never around,' when what's really being felt is, 'I miss you.' If talking about the problem doesn't seem like the best approach, take action. Ask your partner if they want to go to the movies, try that new restaurant or take a walk along the beach. "It's easier to talk about the problem after it's been addressed," explained Zentman. "'This was nice going out to the movies, I've been missing you.' Instead of, 'Why are you always playing golf?'"

Couples who noted a healthy dose of alone time in their marriage were asked to describe their retirement relationship in a few words and offered the following responses: loving, independent, comfortable, working partnership, togetherness, active, doable, flexibility, evolving.

An initial second honeymoon

"The first phase of retirement has often been referred to as the 'honeymoon phase,'" said Abramson, when couples try out new activities, together and individually now that they are newly liberated from punching a clock. Down the road, a change in health, finances or logistics may alter routines as well as the percentage of time spent together.

"Previous generations looked at life a little bit differently than boomers," said Kanaris, noting that boomers in contrast to their parents tend to be more active and independent of each other. Today's retirees are more likely to have had well-established lives apart from their spouse due to careers, sports and social networks, and that will help define their retirement years.

But that independence should not be confused with isolation. Quite the contrary, couples may find giving each other their own space and time often complements their time together.

In describing a perfect day, Art Mattson said: "In the morning after showering, Nori and I make fantastic, wilder-than-ever-could-imagine-love. Then we head off to Gold's Gym for independent workouts, in the same building. Next we separate for the day, she to volunteer at the hospital for the afternoon, I to play some golf. In the evening I spend time at my computer writing my next book, she reads and watches TV. Finally, we fall asleep, exhausted, in the same bed."