Another baby 18 years later, not ideal

Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

bio | email

DEAR AMY: I am 35 and have an 18-year-old daughter. She will graduate from high school in May. Her father lives with us. He is disabled and is in a wheelchair. Her father and I have not had a "real" male-female relationship in years. He believed we were together until earlier this year when I told him I wanted to move on. He is not happy about it and has talked about moving into a group home. During all of that drama, I started seeing someone I dated in high school. My daughter and her father know about this man, and he is very upset. He says I should have waited until he moved out. I don't know if he will ever move out. I care for him very much and never wanted him to live in a group home. The other man and I fell in love, and I just found out that I am pregnant. I do want another baby; it's just not the ideal situation, and I do not want my daughter's father to feel he is forced to move out. I don't know what to do or how to tell people.

--Pregnant

DEAR PREGNANT: In a moral dilemma, you are trying to decide between two equally difficult options. In your situation, you have already made the choices that a dilemma would force you to ponder in advance of acting.

Because you have forced your daughter's father into a sort of "open" domestic partnership, you may all decide that it would be best for him to stay in the home. This is one option. Otherwise you could help him explore other housing options. He might do well with a roommate or family member in a nearby apartment.

The best way to disclose this news is to do it one person at a time, over the course of one or two days. Start with your current partner, then your daughter's father. After giving him time to digest this news, you should talk to your daughter. Your 18-year-old could present you with the biggest emotional challenge in the short term. Prepare for this.