Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.
DEAR AMY: I just ended a five-year relationship by cheating on my fiance. I am not proud of what I did. Alcohol played a factor, and I had done it before. He left me (not that I blame him), and I finally got the freedom I so sorely wanted. I'm 27 and think the idea of marriage freaked me out. But now that I've been single for about a month, he's all I can think about. I miss him more than I miss the relationship. I began to drink heavily at least four to five times a week to try to forget him, but it made me feel worse. I don't want to become an alcoholic like my parents. But I also hate my reality sometimes. I've apologized to him, and have made a choice to quit drinking and quit my self-
destructive patterns. I'm taking medication for anxiety and depression, but it feels as if I still get into bouts of depression, especially now. I haven't cleaned my apartment much, either; I just don't feel motivated. I hate who I am. I wish I could go back in time to when the two of us were happy. I want to change. Any ideas on how to get myself out of this heartbreak rut? Or am I stuck till time wipes the slate clean?
DEAR NEED: My vision for your future looks like this.
You are lonely, depressed, and either drinking or not drinking -- or thinking about drinking or not drinking.
You are an alcoholic and until you surrender to this reality and choose to do something about it, the sad rut you are in will become an unwinnable trench warfare against an enemy that is bigger and stronger than you are.
Your self-awareness is going to be a strength as you do what you need to do to get help and feel better.
You should seek a medical evaluation and therapy. But start by attending an AA meeting today.
It is the smartest choice you can make in the short term. You can find a local meeting by checking AA.org.