Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.
DEAR AMY: My book club friends and I would be grateful to have you address this issue in your column. We are a group of women who consistently get berated publicly (jokingly, of course) by our husbands for having low libidos. We have all been married for 15-plus years, and the irony is, we'd love to be intimate with our husbands, but they have killed it for us. Would a smart lover pick his teeth, his nose or his toenails in front of his partner and expect that to turn her on? Since when do weekends mean they don't have to shower? Add enormous weight gain from gluttonous meals and boozy behavior after nightly cocktails, and you have the perfect storm. We love and respect our husbands, but are we turned on? Sadly, no. We'd give anything to not see what we see.The Book Club LadiesDEAR LADIES: The simple version of what's going on is revealed in the male/female divide of how each gender tends to view marriage. For men, being happily married means they can truly go native. Your husbands know you love them. The ability to relax their grooming routine is evidence that they are secure in their relationships.
Women, on the other hand, feel cherished when they see their partners making an effort. This makes them feel secure. But please remember that your husbands will not sweep you up into a world of erotic intrigue, though, yes, it would be nice if they'd clip their toenails elsewhere.
You have thrown down the gauntlet, so I will add one item to your list of turnoffs: publicly berating/joking about something as intimate and important as your private sex life. I can only assume that your collective husbands are bantering about this as a pathetic way to try to communicate with you. Mention some of the things you state here to your husbands. Both sides must concede that intimacy starts with good, honest and respectful communication.