What, no chinchillas? No parrots? No pandas?
And no kitchen sink? Close enough: Here come toilets.
Yes, (non-)sports fans, it's time once again for the annual rush of super Super Bowl bowl counterprogramming.
To wit, here are your Sunday bowl alternatives, starting with the big dog of the bunch:
"Puppy Bowl" (Animal Planet, 3-5 p.m.; repeats at 5, 7, 9, 11 p.m. and 1 and 3 a.m.) Even Michelle Obama gets in on this 10th annual event, hosting "puppy training camp" on the White House lawn alongside "first dogs" Bo and Sunny. Not a bad follow-up to last year's Puppy Bowl, which the channel says lured 12.4 million viewers. This time, 66 pups vie to score on a mini-football field without taking puppy penalties from referee Dan Schachner. New York-area police dogs stand for the national anthem, and penguins serve as cheerleaders. The web's Keyboard Cat plays halftime.
Online options at animalplanet.com/puppybowl let viewers draft in the Puppy Bowl fantasy league. Voters also (re)name the game's MVP with every two-hour encore. The website boasts Puppy Cam video, puppy profiles, and all-time Top 10 Puppy Bowl Moments. Having a Puppy Bowl party? Instagram your photos to #puppybowl for possible airing. Follow sideline reporter tweets at @MeepTheBird.
This feline feud on a cat-size football field consists of two preliminary playoff games and a championship match, involving tunnels, hoops, lasers, lures and toys on string. Participants like Tomcat Brady and Feline Manning come from Long Island's North Shore Animal League and Last Hope Animal Rescue.
Online goodies include player profiles, cute kitty photos and Kitten Cam video at bit.ly/Mg2JCC.
Also see Twitter's @KittenBowlTV.
Online goodies include computer desktop fish tank and video previews at natgeowild.com/fishbowl.
"Toilet Bowl" (Destination America, noon-3 p.m.) Filling this event is "King of Thrones," the series in which dull and dingy bathrooms get refurbished into pretty potty stops. Among the creations: a porta-potty for ice fishing purposes.