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Steven Seagal: Be afraid (very)
Photo credit: Getty photo by Vince Bucci
Are you like me?
Afraid of Steven Seagal?
Lemme re-phrase: Terrified?
This guy makes van Damme look like SpongeBob, or maybe Patrick. (Dolph Lundgren? Squidward.)
He's scary. And I had to review his new TV show for A&E. Negatively, I almost hate to admit.
This may be my last blog post - ever. If you never hear from me again it is either because a.) I have entered the witness p program; or b.) Seagal got to me before I entered the wpp.
Either way, it's been nice knowing you.
Here's a clip of some of his finest classics - or "works of genius," if you're reading this Steve. You don't mind if I call you "Steve," by the way? You do? Ok, Mr. Seagal.
My review of "Steven Seagal Lawman" follows...
THE SHOW "Steven Seagal Lawman"
very famous and physically imposing actor dressed as a cop in Jefferson Parish - the suburbs around New Orleans - over the last couple decades. He is a cop. "For the past 20 years, I've been a cop. . . . My name is Steven Seagal. That's right, Steven Seagal."How often he has been a cop - considering that movies like "On Deadly Ground" or "Hard to Kill" couldn't exactly make themselves - is left unsaid. But, we learn that Seagal is a reserve sheriff's deputy, goes out on patrols and dispenses Zen wisdom to fellow officers. Such as: Don't jerk your weapon, but allow it to pull itself to its target, as though being drawn by a mysterious universal force seeking to abolish evil.We see him teach officers martial arts. We learn the secret of Seagalesque enforcement is "We're trying to take away the bad guys and restore harmony."
MY SAY One always runs the risk of reviewing Seagal - particularly Bad Seagal, which is not unheard of - because if the review is negative, one could get killed. Online reports vary but generally agree that he has dispatched 420 to 520 bad guys over his big-screen career, and there must have been a critic or two in that total. So, let's carefully weigh the
three options here. First, pretend I'm not me. ("Verne Gay" is obviously a fake name.) Two, lie. (" 'Steven Seagal Lawman' is brilliant, and his greatest tour de force since 2002's 'Half Past Dead.' ") Three, tell the truth, then make out a will.OK, here goes: "Lawman" is actually pretty lame, and Seagal here is so mild-mannered that he seems more like Jim
Belushi than the toughest human disposal machine this side of Jackie Chan.
the Zen master teach bemused, if slightly fearful, cops the fundamentals of Aikido. GRADE C+
Tags: steven seagal , steven seagal lawman , a&e
