TV MOVIE PREMIERE "Jersey Shore Shark Attack"
WHEN | WHERE Saturday night at 9 on Syfy
REASON TO WATCH Really? Like, really? (See title.)
WHAT IT'S ABOUT A bunch of hot-bod guidos and guidettes -- remember, they call themselves that -- hang out in New Jersey shore towns. You know, like that MTV show. Then, boom! -- bloodthirsty sharks start attacking beachgoers.
Among the eaten: stupid necking couples who can barely read their lines, stupid fisherman who looks like neighbor Carl on "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," stupid preppy rich-kid rivals of the low-rent shoreheads, stupid evil businessmen whose evil profit-making stirred up the sharks.
And Joey Fatone.
MY SAY This double-dip hybrid spoof should be just the ticket for Syfy's triple-cheese Saturday Original Movies franchise of cheap monsters/ mayhem. Which concept turns out trickier to execute than might be expected by, say, the makers of Saturday night's movie.
Even crud requires a certain amount of both commitment and panache, and the only soul here who seems to have a clue is main-man Jeremy Luc. Native to Staten Island's South Beach, he plays The Complication, son of Jack Scalia's town top cop and the (ex)(future)(sometime) boyfriend of a sky-high-hair chick subtly named Nooki (actress' name withheld to protect the innocent).
Local boy Luc pitches halfhearted dialogue with full zeal, occasionally equaled by onetime big-screen star William Atherton ("The Day of the Locust") as the scheming money mogul determined to build a "mecca of luxurious relaxation" where only "wet T-shirt contests and funnel cake" now entice.
BOTTOM LINE Even the cheese-flick fallback fails to materialize -- those Jersey girl chests come nowhere near the size of this grade.