THE TV-MOVIE "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!"
WHEN | WHERE Wednesday at 9 p.m. on Syfy
WHAT IT'S ABOUT Fin Sheperd (Ian Ziering) is about to be honored by the president (Mark Cuban) for his valiant shark-fighting efforts when . . . well, you know what happens. They're back, and this time converging in a huge storm system about to engulf the entire East Coast, most ominously, Orlando, where Fin's pregnant wife (Tara Reid), her mom (Bo Derek) and daughter (Ryan Newman) are vacationing.
Soon enough, Fin needs help -- and gets it from old shark- hunting pal, Nova (Cassie Scerbo), and his own father (David Hasselhoff). Lots of sharks and even more cameos, including Ann Coulter, Chris Jericho, Frankie Muniz, Penn and Teller, Ne-Yo, Kathie Lee Gifford, Matt Lauer, Hoda Kotb, Jackie Collins, Lou Ferrigno, Jerry Springer and . . . Anthony Weiner.
MY SAY No one expects Ibsen here, but is it too much to ask for improved plot mechanics or even the slightest advances in dialogue, acting, special effects or overall comprehension by the third "Sharknado" installment?
Oh hell yeah. Way too much to ask for. For this we need only a keen appreciation of the manifold follies of the Hollywood disaster epic, and a refusal to engage so much as one brain cell in the act of watching a single frame. That's a low bar for entry, so why waste time and money on something like "plot mechanics"?
Syfy knows we come to this only for the sharks, cameos, chain saws, acting -- the worse, the better -- and dialogue so sublimely inept that even the sharks wince when they hear it. By this measure, "Oh Hell No!" scores and scores often. Most of Washington, D.C., is destroyed before the opening credits. Universal Orlando is pretty much leveled by the third commercial break.("Oh Hell No": is nothing if not one long plug for NBC Universal).
The money shots include one at Twister Ride It Out and another one from outer space. That may be giving too much away but it does yield the best line: "How can [sharks] survive in outer SPACEC! How can they survive in a TORNADO!"...
Sure "Sharknado" is bad and -- sure -- we expect nothing less.
GRADES For discerning viewers and shark lovers everywhere: F+
For "Sharknado" fans: B+