Within the first month at her first sales job, Donna Flagg of Chelsea had had it with her supervisor.
"I hated my boss," Flagg recalls of the woman she worked for nearly 20 years ago at one of New York City's premiere fashion companies. "She was caustic and she put people down. And she snapped when I would try to say something.
"I had made a decision that I didn't want to work with her."
Sound familiar? In a recent Gallup poll of 1 million workers, a bad boss was the No. 1 reason for quitting a job. If you've been working any time at all, you've encountered at least one. You know the sort: He hovers around your work station to make sure that you're always on task. She gives the plum assignments to her friends and ignores the rest of the staff. He takes all the credit when you exceed the goal and none of the blame when he misses the mark.
So today, as working people across the country (or at least the calendar makers and greeting card companies) recognize National Boss Day and honor those exemplary employers and superlative supervisors they work for, we will turn our attention to finding ways to cope with the ones who are just plain jerks.
Focus on the good
Flagg says the best advice she got came during a call to her father about her bad boss. "I was determined to hate her," she recalls. "He said, 'Everybody has something good about them, and I challenge you to look for that.' He kept me on the phone until I would admit to something."
When pressed, she told him her boss had a sharp wit. He suggested she go to work the next day and focus on that. When she did, Flagg conceded that her boss was "actually funny and fun to be around."
Now 42 and owner of The Krysalis Group, a human resource and management consulting firm in Manhattan, Flagg says her father's advice not only has served her well throughout her career, but she has shared it with clients.
What are some other tips to cope with a boss who's a jerk? Flagg and other workplace experts and business coaches say there are ways to get along with your boss without going crazy or going off.
"We're not suggesting that the bosses are worse than anybody else, but they may do things that drive you crazy," says Kerry Patterson, a workplace expert in Provo, Utah, and co-author of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).
A jerk in the mirror?
Even so, Patterson suggests looking inward first. Could you be doing things that contribute to problems between you and the boss? As hard as it may be to believe, perhaps you're the real jerk - not your boss.
Assess your relationship. Are you even on his or her radar, or does your boss have no clue who you are? Do you have a rapport and a sense of mutual trust? Do you avoid each other completely or are you always at each other's throats? Are you viewed as dead weight or a valuable member of the team?
"Work on you first, the boss second," Patterson says.
Don't just gripe about your boss to your peers. Ask a trusted colleague with "the guts to tell you the truth" whether you're seeing your boss clearly or fixating on the speck in her eye while oblivious to the plank in your own.
It's also a good idea to consult others in the workplace who know the boss better than you do, says Steven L. Katz, an executive and organizational consultant who lives outside Washington, D.C.
"Don't assume you know everything about them and their character and their traits," he says. "I find it's important to identify a few people and say, 'Is it just me, or does he abuse everybody? Is it just me, or does she take everyone's head off? Is it just me, or does he believe he would be better off without any of us?'"
Let's face it
If a boss is mistreating or disrespecting you, deal with it head-on, says Judith Glaser, an organizational and executive coach in Manhattan who explores the practices of bosses - from the extremely bad to extraordinarily good - in her new book, "The DNA of Leadership: Leverage Your Instincts to Communicate, Differentiate and Innovate" (Platinum Press, $24.95).
"Some bosses who are jerky don't know it," she says. "Nipping it in the bud early gives you a chance to request from your boss the kind of behavior that will help you become motivated and stay motivated."
Glaser and others recommend you ask to meet with the boss privately, explain the impact of his or her actions on you and describe clearly and succinctly what you want.
If you choose to confront your employer, stick to the facts, Patterson adds. "Don't start with your harsh judgments or vague conclusions. For example, 'I don't trust you,' or 'You're a control freak.' Instead ... strip out judgmental language and be specific."
Try something like this: "When you shouted at me during the meeting, I felt humiliated in front of my peers. In the future, I would ask you to discuss any concerns you have about my performance with me in private."
In these moments, it's easy to chicken out and never bring up the real issues, "the things you complain about to your spouse and kids and bring up at cocktail parties," Patterson says.
If you feel yourself going in that direction, stop, regroup and refocus. "Stop and ask yourself ... what do I really want to achieve here?" he says.
Although Donna Flagg thought her boss was funny, she didn't like certain things about her humor. So she asked to meet privately with her and told her so. "I would get upset when it would be hurtful toward someone," Flagg says. "She was very receptive. Our relationship changed from that point forward, and we had a really good relationship. To this day, I speak to her."
Approaching the lion's den
Approach a difficult boss as you would a ferocious lion, says Katz, who researched the history of lion taming and interviewed big cat and wild animal trainers for his book "Lion Taming: Working Successfully With Leaders, Bosses and Other Tough Customers" (Sourcebooks, $19.95).
For example, you should never go into a lion's cage unless you know what kind of day the lion is having, Katz says.
Who would know best the boss' schedule, availability and demeanor? His or her personal assistant - a valuable but often overlooked resource, he says. Most people ignore these assistants as colleagues, he adds, but "they get lion-taming and could probably teach the class." At 4 in the afternoon, you might want to ask the assistant if the boss is up for another meeting or whether it would be better to put it off until another day.
And, Katz adds, "It wouldn't be bad to ask, 'Has he eaten yet?'"
If you're looking for some guidance before the meeting, consult someone in your company's human resources department, Glaser says.
"There's a fear in the workplace of speaking up," she says. People are afraid they'll get fired, or their bosses will think they're ratting on them. But most HR professionals are trained to identify and help employees deal with difficult bosses.
Glaser recommends asking the HR representative for advice to help you interact with your boss in a more constructive way. "Your intention is not to go in to get the boss fired. You're going in for coaching on how to deal with the boss," so that you can perform better and be successful at your job.
No matter how much of a jerk your boss may be, the work should be the main focus, the experts agree. "Get away from personality differences. Focus on the work," Flagg says. "We're not here [at work] to love each other. We're here to get a job done."
While things eventually improved for Flagg with her first boss, she's learned over the years that it's not always possible. If things don't get better between you and your boss, you either can "leave or stay and be miserable," she says.
"There's so much written about working and coping and managing your boss. Sometimes ... it doesn't get better. That's a reality," Flagg says. "If, after exhausting every option, you've still made no progress, I say, 'Don't bang your head against the wall.'... If all else fails and there is no hope, find a job with a boss who knows how to bring out the best in people."
SURVIVAL TIPS
If you've taken a hard look at yourself, and your boss really is the problem, here are some workplace survival tips from Stever Robbins, an executive coach in Cambridge, Mass., and author of "It Takes a Lot More Than Attitude ... to Lead a Stellar Organization" (Acanthus Publishing $19.95):
Set boundaries, if your corporate culture allows. When your boss steps out of line, be supportive but firm. Explain that your job is to help your boss succeed, but that doesn't mean you can be mistreated. Explain where, when and how he crossed the line, and suggest that you could better meet his needs if he behaved better. If he continues, lodge a complaint in your company's human resources department and start hunting for a new job.
If your boss would fire you for giving feedback, and you have no corporate recourse, why are you working there? Find another job if you can.
If you can't quit, you can only change yourself. Accept that you might be working for a boss who cares more about ego and empire-building than business results. Spend some time understanding what she really thinks is important and do that - even if you don't think it's important. Resolve to do what it takes to please her, and work to get promoted or moved to a saner boss.
Need some advice?
E-mail your ideas for the Monday Advice pages to pat.burson@newsday.com.