DEAR AMY: I recently discovered, by accident, something very personal and private about my boss. While I understand this discovery reveals a personal lifestyle choice for him, I am grossed out and disgusted by his choices. I am also very angry with my boss for putting me in a position of stumbling across this information. It was available on a company computer that he was fully aware I had access to. The other side to this is that I have always respected and admired him and I realize that he is, in fact, not a different person -- just my perception of him has changed. I guess I am looking for advice on how to handle my thoughts and actions toward him, now that I know what I know.
Wish I Didn't Know
DEAR WISH: I gather your boss was not online shopping the J.Crew spring line on the company computer, but in the absence of other details one can only imagine what you stumbled across.
I'm going to assume that he is viewing something or engaging in an online activity that is highly inappropriate but not illegal (obviously, if so, you should contact the police). If he is viewing pornography on a company computer, he probably is violating company policy. Same with gambling, hooking up through Tinder or many other activities.
Where I work, employees are periodically reminded that all computer use is subject to monitoring.
You should email your boss, "I noticed you didn't log out of your account yesterday." You needn't supply details. If this happens again, you should take this problem to your company's HR department.
In terms of your behavior toward him, you should continue to be professional. This is a tough lesson in the "feet of clay" category. You can admire him as a boss, but you may have to shelve your estimation of him as a person.
DEAR AMY: About a month ago I developed a crush on a man. I consider him a friend, but I highly doubt the feeling is mutual. My point is, he is married and I do have boundaries. I have never flirted with him, because I know it's not right or fair to him or his wife. But I really do like him. I've tried to get him off my mind and move on, but nothing seems to work. I would like to remain friends with him but I want to stop "crushing" on him. Is there a way to get over a crush without necessarily tuning him out or ignoring him? We work together, so the loss of communication wouldn't be good. I have tried asking other people for help and they all called me a "husband-stealer." Since I'm not trying to steal him away (because I care about his happiness), I would like not to get harsh judgment, just helpful advice. What should I do?
DEAR CRUSHED: The way out of this is to confine contact with your co-worker to business matters. You might be tempted to disclose your feelings to him or to others -- but you must resist. You should also dig deep within yourself for whatever lesson you can glean from this episode, whether it is that you are lonely, needy or eminently deserving of love from the right person.
You must give and receive love only when doing so doesn't hurt others. That's the ethical path, and you should gain strength from walking it.
DEAR AMY: "Mourning Mom" had a baby and a husband who insisted he didn't want another. Our son-in-law had a crazy notion like this too. Our very wise daughter waited a bit and one day said, "I think Jack (our grandson) needs a sibling." It opened up a new line of thinking, and we now have three grandchildren.
DEAR GRAN: I hope he's happy too.