Ask Amy Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I each got an iPhone recently. We each downloaded the “Find My Friend ”app. Ever since then, he has been tracking me when I go out, saying that he is “testing” the app. I know this because the app occasionally does not work and when I get back home, he asks me repeatedly if I have turned it off, which I have not. I suspect that he is “testing” this app more frequently then he admits to. I have no problem having this app on my phone, and never go anywhere that I don’t want him to know about, but I think it is very creepy that he can track me. I have asked him not to use the tracking app and to call me if he needs to get hold of me, and only if he is seriously concerned about my safety. He thinks this is irrational and unreasonable. He brought up the possibility that I must be doing something that I don’t want him to know about. I’m not. I am usually just running errands. Am I wrong? I feel like I am being stalked.

M

DEAR M: You feel like you are being stalked, because you are being stalked. This is a “voluntary stalking,” because you deliberately downloaded the app, but all the same, you should not submit to it.

You should either use the “hide” feature or delete this application, which makes it possible for people in your network to learn your location, to stalk you, to rob your house while you are away (if your husband’s phone is lost or stolen, your location will be revealed). Unless you and your husband are planning to attend a music festival where you will need to find one another in a crowd, there is no reason for you to have it.

You should also consider turning off the location tracker on your phone, which can additionally reveal your whereabouts (without you being aware of it). This is more of a threat to your security than a protection.

You and your husband are both new to this, but what you need to adjust to is the very real relinquishment of your personal freedom (and data). Please don’t let your “smartphone” be smarter than you are.

If your husband doesn’t like your choices regarding your right to run errands without revealing your every move, then too bad. You trust him to conduct his day according to his own judgment, and he needs to trust you, too.

Your shared naivete concerning this technology is understandable; his accusation is troubling.

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DEAR AMY: I am a 42-year-old single woman. I have been divorced for five years, but have yet to find my Mr. Right. A co-worker set me up with a man about eight months ago. We are both at a very good place in life and are very picky, so finding “the one” has not been easy for either of us. He has been divorced for four years and has not had any serious relationships since his divorce. Over the past eight months, he has made his intentions clear, through his actions (not words), that he does not want a relationship with me, but that he enjoys my companionship and sex. Amy, should I stick around and see if he will eventually “fall into” a relationship with me, or should I walk away? We have so much fun when we are together, but getting together has not been regular and it is always on his terms.

Don’t Want to Give Up

DEAR DON’T: As you state, this man has made it very clear that he does not want to have an exclusive and committed relationship with you.

If you are enjoying being this man’s “Miss Right Now,” then you should freely take whatever he offers and enjoy yourself. However, if you are hoping to find “the one,” then you should keep looking. There is nothing preventing you from enjoying his company while still trying to meet and date other people, and you should assume he is doing the same.

DEAR AMY: I liked your answer to “Bent out of Shape,” whose husband refused to clean out his car — until his pastor suggested it. I agree that she should stop doing this chore for him. If she follows your advice, she will be more serene about a situation she cannot control.

A Fan

DEAR FAN: She should also refuse to ride in his car, if at all possible.