Jerry Zezima, a Newsday assistant editor who writes a nationally syndicated humor column for his hometown paper, The
Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have once again decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.
That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch; Sue, the matriarch; Katie and Lauren, the childriarchs; and Dave and Guillaume, the sons-in-lawiarch. Happy reading!
It sure has been an exciting 2012 for the Zezimas! The good news is that nobody in the family went to prison, though three of us had brushes with the law.
The first occurred when Jerry got a $100 parking ticket and had to go to court, where he stood before the judge and pleaded "clueless." The judge refrained from having Jerry handcuffed and instead told him to talk over his case with a prosecutor, who informed him that he had a second ticket that went back several years and would cost hundreds of dollars. It was all a misunderstanding and Jerry got away with only a $40 fine for the first ticket and a warning from the judge that "clueless is not an option."
Jerry was back in court when he had to report for jury duty on a mob trial. A man with a ridiculous nickname was charged with extortion and murder. Jerry made the first cut and had to go back for the final round of jury selection but fortunately was not chosen, perhaps because word got out in the legal community that he was clueless. At least he is not sleeping with the fishes.
Sue and Katie had contact with the police when they got into fender benders, though not with each other. No one was hurt and, for the purposes of this Christmas letter, they were not at fault.
Sue got a shopping excursion off on the right foot when she took Jerry to buy two pairs of shoes. They originally cost $250 combined, but with the sale price on each, the return of another pair of shoes and the coupons Sue brought with her, the total came to $1.45. Then Sue took Jerry to buy a pair of sneakers. Jerry wanted LeBron X's, which cost $300, but Sue got him another pair that cost only $49.99. No wonder Sue is Jerry's sole mate.
Jerry learned other valuable lessons when he had an archery lesson (an arrow escape), piano lessons (he won't be playing Carnegie Hall) and a horseback riding lesson (he resembled the back end of the animal).
Jerry got physical -- and not in a good way -- when he threw his back out (the garbageman wouldn't take it) and got an infected finger (no, not that one). Then he started getting brochures in the mail from a funeral home. It ended up being a dead issue.
Superstorm Sandy knocked out Sue and Jerry's power for nine days, proving that she (he?) had even more hot air than Jerry. The air turned cold in the house, so Sue and Jerry spent three days and nights with Lauren and Guillaume, who also hosted a wonderful Thanksgiving Day that included Katie and Dave. The six of us had a great time.
Actually, six and a half. The best news of 2012 is that there is going to be an addition to the family (Lauren is expecting!), meaning Sue and Jerry will be grandparents. Sue said there will be a lot of toys under next year's Christmas tree. Jerry thinks the baby should get some, too.
Merry Christmas with love and laughter from the Zezimas.