Shopaholic wife may be burying herself and her husband in debt

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

May 7, 2008

Dear Amy: My beautiful wife of seven years is a shopaholic. She literally can't go into a store and come out empty-handed.

We have plenty of children and grandchildren between us, so there are lots of potential recipients of her generosity. What complicates the matter is that she's the bigger breadwinner in the family. She earns about $15,000 more a year than I do. She works very hard, putting in lots of overtime, and I appreciate that.

After six years of major financial struggles, we're finally emerging from debt. I'm three months away from paying off my $42,000 in credit card debt. But as quickly as I pay off mine, she continues piling up her own. She has about 10 credit cards with around $10,000 on them.

I hate to see us buried in debt again.

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What can I do without rocking a beautiful marriage? And before your readers suggest I suck it up to allow her the luxuries, that's not possible. I drive a 10-year-old bashed-in pickup truck with 150,000 miles on it. I need dentures and new glasses. And I'm no slacker. I've been with the same company for 36 years.

If she were a drinker, smoker or gambler, that would be one thing. But she's a wonderful woman whose only vice is shopping.

—Buried in Debt

Dear Buried: First, congratulations on your own debt diet. You see how good it feels to finally emerge from debt.

It doesn't matter that your wife makes more money—a higher income doesn't justify her overspending. I read recently that many companies are cutting back on overtime because of the soft economy—your wife's extra income could disappear overnight.

You two need to commit to debt counseling. A counselor could help your wife see the long-term impact of today's choices.

I really like the work Suze Orman has done to educate and encourage people to control their spending practices. Her latest book is "Women & Money: Owning the Power To Control Your Destiny (2007, Spiegel & Grau).

Dear Amy: My same-sex partner, "Lisette," received an invitation to a wedding from a childhood friend whom she sees infrequently. The friend knows that Lisette has been in a committed, same-sex relationship for five years, that we live together and are raising children together. Yet this friend chose to send the invitation addressed only to Lisette.

I am sad that I have been excluded and hurt that Lisette refuses to rectify this situation. She has informed me that she is planning to go without me.

What is the right thing to do in this situation?

—Feeling Hurt in New York

Dear Hurt: The right thing is for people issuing wedding invitations to include spouses or live-in partners, regardless of gender or sexuality. That's just good old-fashioned proper etiquette.

"Lisette's" friend rudely left you off the guest list, and now Lisette is compounding the breach by denying your status in her life.

You and your partner need to have a serious talk about what it means to be in a family together. She seems to have some confusion or ambivalence on this score.

Dear Amy: I had a very close friend who began spreading rumors and hurtful gossip about me to mutual friends. I have verified that she is the person behind the rumors.

I have tried to just let it go to no avail.

I am so disappointed and upset—I really just want to confront her and let her know that she can stop pretending to be my friend.

How should I handle this?

—Hurt

Dear Hurt: If you confront your friend, you are doing two things—putting her on notice that you know what she did and giving her an opportunity to apologize to you.

If you speak with her and she denies or refuses to take responsibility for what she has done, you can express your disappointment, then start to do the hard work required to forgive her.

Forgiveness is challenging, but it's powerful too. Ultimately, the ability to forgive someone is a gift you give to yourself.

Ask Amy appears Monday through Saturday in Tempo and Sunday in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.