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Cousin's bad party habits nothing to be imitated

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

July 17, 2008

Dear Amy: When my cousin got married, I sent her and her new husband a gift even though my husband and I never even received a "congratulations" from her when we got married.

She never thanked us for the gift.

When she came to my baby shower, she said she was going to send a gift but never did.

I would've been happy with a little note of acknowledgment for the birth of either of my children.

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I understand that some people have financial difficulties (although to my knowledge she is doing fine), but it does not take very much time or money to write a short note.

Now my cousin is having a baby shower, and I'm invited.

My husband says I should tell her the gift is in the mail and not send anything.

I'm not sure I should stoop to her level.

—Confused in Florida

Dear Confused: Stooping to someone else's level never works out quite as you hope when you plan the caper in your head.

Mainly, stooping makes you feel small.

It is important to remember that the whole point of a baby shower is to celebrate a new baby—with abandon and generosity. Showers tend to be optimistic and excited affairs—and if you attended, it might make you feel better to know that you are choosing not to stoop but instead parading your better nature.

However, if attending this event would make you miserable, then politely respond to the invitation by saying that you won't be able to make it.

Your cousin has created some poor celebration karma over the years—and now her own choices are coming back to her.

Dear Amy: The letter in your column from "Wondering Wife" made me smile. She was asking if she had the right to commiserate on the phone with her girlfriend about sharing household chores with her husband.

If she takes care of the problems, she won't have to worry about the complaints!

I have always had dogs. In training them, I ignore minor transgressions, but the closer they come to doing exactly what I want, the bigger the praise.

I use pretty much the same technique with my husband. I model the behavior I want him to exhibit. I praise any attempts he makes to do what I want—without pointing out errors—and tell him how much I truly appreciate it when he finally does something just the way I want.

He's fully aware that I shape his behaviors in this manner. In fact, he pointed it out to me and told me he thinks more marriages would be happy ones if more women treated their husbands like dogs!

—Debbie in Oregon