Adult daughter's debts are hers, not parents'

Lynn Brenner | Family Finance

1:03 PM EDT, March 28, 2008

My 24-year-old daughter accepts and activates and maxes out every credit card and department store card that she's offered. She can't hold a job for more than a week and is on three antidepressants. I wind up paying for her purchases, but months later I find out she's done it again. I'm on Social Security, and I can't and won't pay her bills anymore. I've put her name on the "no offers" list (which stops banks), but I have no clue how to stop department stores from offering her credit. Do I have to resort to not paying her bills until collection agencies get involved, thus ruining her credit? Is there a less painful way?

S.W., via e-mail

Sadly, no. There's absolutely nothing to be gained by continuing to pay her bills. It endangers your financial security, and it doesn't help your daughter. But make no mistake: It won't be your refusal to pay that ruins her credit. She will have done that to herself.

A parent has no legal responsibility for the debts of a 24-year-old child. (For purposes of child support, the age of majority in New York is 21; in other matters it's 18.) However, you are liable for debts on any credit cards that you cosigned with her, or cards in your name on which she is an authorized user. You should pay off those cards and cancel immediately.

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But of course the legalities aren't your main focus. You're grappling with one of the most painful realities a parent can confront: you can't protect an adult child from self-destructive behavior. Your daughter is the only person who can tackle her problems, and from what you say, she won't start doing that until she has no alternative. As long as you keep bailing her out, the money she spends isn't real to her. It's as if she's playing adult Monopoly, says Catherine Williams, vice president for financial literacy at Money Management International, a nonprofit credit counseling organization.

There is one positive in all this: It's far better for her to ruin her credit rating at age 24, with plenty of time to repair it, than when she's older -- and even deeper in debt.

From what you say, it's clear that she needs professional help. She should ask the doctor who prescribed her antidepressants to suggest a counselor. She might also benefit from joining an organization like Debtors Anonymous, a 12-step program for people who compulsively rack up unsecured debt. (For more information and a link to a list of the organization's meetings in New York City and on Long Island, go to debtorsanon ymous.org, or call 800-421-2383.)

But you can't force her to seek help, and, since she's an adult protected by privacy laws, her doctor won't discuss her situation with you. You should focus on protecting yourself -- and you won't be doing a disservice to your daughter by putting your own needs first. As airline personnel remind us on departing flights, if oxygen masks drop from the overhead compartment, you should pull your mask over your face before you help your child put hers on. By staying financially solvent, you will be better able not only to care for yourself but to provide your daughter with three meals a day while she gets the help she needs -- if that's what you wish to do.

Send questions to Family Finance, Business Desk, Newsday, 235 Pinelawn Rd, N.Y. 11747-4250, or e-mail to Bfamfin@aol.com. Include your age, income, and a list of major assets. Sorry, letters and e-mails can't be answered personally. Questions are addressed only in the column.