Sex! Heavy breathing! Bad dialogue!

BY DIANE WERTS | Newsday Staff Writer

September 5, 2006

Morgan Fairchild, left, and Bo Derek face off in a scene from "Fashion House," an English-language telenovela (MyNetworkTV Photo)

If it never really was quite clear what the suddenly defunct UPN network was all about, its ostensible replacement wastes not a second tonight making its intentions clear. MyNetworkTV debuts with two hotties in bed, quickly followed by gunfire, explosions, jealousy, betrayal and "family is all you can trust" homilies. Which are promptly shattered by people in bed, gunfire, explosions, jealousy, betrayal and "I'll see you in hell" declarations.

"Desire" kicks off a MyNetwork launch slate made up of a whopping two series, both adapted - or, more literally, translated - from hit telenovelas from the Spanish-language tube. Like those prime-time soaps, these Americanized hours will be stripped across the workweek and told over 13 weeks straight, before a big-bang finale climaxes it all and a whole new sex-and-family saga begins.

We'll see whether today's mainstream pop culture is really so desperate for instant storytelling gratification if it also means cheap and cheesy, while not quite sleazy enough to be fun. The whiff of condescension here is strong. Viewers are expected to swallow - worse, to savor - simplistic recycling of melodrama plots seen a hundred times before, with rote reciting of lines like "I want his head on a stick!" With budgets said to be one-tenth the size of "real network" dramas, the mostly young and prettier than interesting performers are not exactly award winners. They can't even throw themselves into scenery chewing with the proper gusto, or pleasure.

One delicious exception is "Fashion House" antagonist Morgan Fairchild, an old hand at this from "Flamingo Road," "Dallas" and "Falcon Crest." She's the show's rival to design diva Bo Derek, who tries hard but can't match Fairchild's lip-smacking witchiness. They engage in catfights and mothering machinations while a "talented" young designer (Natalie Martinez) tries to get ahead amid the mad cheating/scheming that surrounds her.

"Desire" doesn't much bother with career stuff, casting its young heroine (Michelle Belegrin) as a pampered daughter caught between two lusty brothers. Need we add, one bad and one good? Villainous pals, greedy siblings and vengeful mobsters are thrown willy-nilly into the mix. "Fashion House" is a bit more coherent, if still ludicrous, limply dropping dialogue like "When your wings get clipped, I'm gonna be there to watch you hit the ground!"

Obviously, passion's supposed to be the fashion at MyNetwork, which is owned by News Corp., parent company of Fox. Too bad these tepid retreads can't muster much of it.

DESIRE. Two brothers + one woman = soap suds galore. Americanized telenovela premieres tonight at 8; then airs weeknights at 8, with Saturday 8 p.m. weekly recap.

FASHION HOUSE. Runway rivals Bo Derek and Morgan Fairchild get witchy. (With a B.) Premieres tonight at 9; then weeknights at 9, plus Saturday 9 p.m. recap. Both on WWOR/9.