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More men turning off sex drives

Ellis Henican

January 25, 2008

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I went off to meet the authors, their book securely beneath my arm.

But I wasn't taking any chances. Before I got to the interview, I ducked into a drugstore and bought a big, fat memo pad. That way, I knew: If I got to Starbucks before Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz did, I'd have the pad to hide the book cover.

"He's Just Not Up For It Anymore," the book is called. "Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About it."

Research! Only research!

Ellis Henican Bio | E-mail | Recent columns

Chris Cuomo knows what I'm talking about. When the "Good Morning America" reporter had the Berkowitzes on the other morning, he must have said three times in the course of a 5-minute interview: "Of course, this isn't my problem."

Of course not, Chris! Of course not.

So this is what happens when you write a book that millions of men could benefit from, but no guy wants to admit that he might ever need? "Just take the dust jacket off as soon as you leave the book store," Susan advises with a laugh over her grande cappuccino.

It's the Not-Tonight-Dear Generation, heterosexual men in long-term marriages or relationships who've prematurely bailed on sex, too bored, too tired, too medicated, too angry, too fat and too unappreciated by the women in their lives.

Forty years into the Sexual Revolution, when hardly anything is hidden any more, this really could be the Last Taboo.

"These are couples having sex 10 or fewer times a year," Bob says. "It's 15 to 20 percent of all marriages. And half the time, the men are the ones saying no."

Who better to tell this story than the Berkowitzes?

Bob, who comes from Great Neck, earned a PhD in clinical sexology after a long career on TV - as a CNN reporter, "men's correspondent" for the "Today" show and host of "Real Personal" on CNBC. His wife, Susan, is a veteran marketing executive with a master's in nutrition from NYU. They split their time between Shelter Island and the Upper East Side.

Not that any lack of sex has been a problem in their 10-year marriage. "Fortunately, no," Bob emphasizes.

For their study, the authors interviewed top psychiatrists and sexologists and surveyed 4,000 men and women who weren't having much sex. Two explanations kept coming up, beyond the expected we've-been-together-so-long-some-of-the-thrill-is-gone.

Medication and obesity.

"So many men are using anti-depressants today" and other medications for hypertension, diabetes and hair loss, Bob says. "A lower sex drive is one of the most common side effects."

And while Viagra and its cousins may help with the mechanics of sex, none of those pills will make a guy want it.

Weight is a double challenge. Says Susan: "Men who are heavy have all kinds of health problems that make them less interested in sex. And you have the issue of the women getting heavy and their husbands not finding them attractive. Then, when you have two obese people, well" - she just shakes her head.

But the real point here, the Berkowitzes say, isn't casting blame on anyone. It's understanding the issues and jump-starting all these stalled libidos.

Vrrrrmm, vrrrrmm ...

Open communication is obviously important. So is a medical checkup. Meds can be adjusted. The erectile-dysfunction drugs can restore confidence. And therapy can help.

Susan has one piece of advice on that last score.

"You'll have a situation where the woman is ready to get some counseling and the man doesn't want to go," she says. "She should just say, 'This is a very difficult problem for us. I think it's very important. If you don't want to come with me, I am going alone.'"

"Nine times out of the 10, at that point the man will agree to go. He wants to make sure he gets to tell his side of the story."

"That," her husbands adds, "will overcome even the embarrassment."