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Valentine gift-giving is a lover's minefield

Ellis Henican

February 13, 2008

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Love may save us eventually. But everyone's got an angle this Valentine's Day.

The product-pumping pollsters. The fine-jewelry guilt brigades. The flower peddlers, love-song merchants, anti-vice religious zealots, computer-dating pimps, couples-therapy gurus and countless other Valentine opportunists who figures now's as a good week as any to make an easy buck off the fragile emotions of love.

Feeling warm all over yet?

Thousands of retailers, large and small, are offering to help folks make the perfect Valentine's statement. And how great a coincidence is this? Every one of these companies just happens to have the perfect item in stock!

Ellis Henican Bio | E-mail | Recent columns

Anatomically correct chocolate statues. Stuffed bears in goofy costumes from Vermont. But no one beats the lovey-dovey Craftsman tool people at Sears: "Honey, here's a bouquet of Cross-Force Reversible Ratcheting Combination Wrenches."

Oh, my God! How did you know?

Blockbuster Video is promising to bridge the Mars-Venus divide with the Top 10 First-Date Flicks Ever: "50 First Dates," "Casablanca" and "When Harry Met Sally." Hard to imagine Bogey consulting a list like this one, although Billy Crystal might.

Verizon Wireless is promoting a Lovers Jukebox of romantic ring tones, featuring "Love Song" by 311, "Sexual Healing," by Marvin Gaye and "Crash Into Me" by the Dave Matthews Band. And just to keep things fair (and turn one media mention into two), the cell-phone giant has a Hater's Jukebox too: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. and "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter - for customers who find themselves in THAT mood this year.

All the causes, even the good ones, have Valentine's hooks this year. The oncologists suggest "his and her cancer screening." The anti-smoking forces say "quit for love." The Alzheimer's advocates propose "How to Love the Memory Impaired: A New Perspective on Valentine's Day."

But your total lack of ideas - don't blame memory impairment! - could actually be a plus this year. "Forget the flowers and candy," say the respondents to one major pre-Valentine's poll. "The one thing that most spells romance for America's sweethearts this February 14th is cold, hard cash."

Then again, that poll was conducted by iKobo, which is in the business of international, personal-to-person money transfers.

Should that call into question the stunning conclusion? "87 percent of Americans would rather receive cash this year."

Whatever you do, you'd better not choose wrong. One poll says 6 million Americans have broken up with someone on Valentine's Day - after, presumably, one or the other of them chose tragically wrong.

It isn't hard to understand what motivates all these self-promoting studies and polls. Americans this year will spend $17 billion on Valentine's cards, flowers, champagne, chocolates, prix-fixe dinners and assorted shiny baubles.

And that doesn't include the foreign-money transfers.

It is tough enough for the coupled and the married. But Valentine's gift selecting is an even higher-pressure zone for the 92 million single men and women who'd rather not be single men and women by next Valentine's.

Truly, there are gift-buying landmines everywhere.

According to a survey from BillMeLater.com (a Valentine's tradition, in concept at least), more than 90 percent of men said they'll be giving a hug as part as their Valentine's Day presents this year.

Think twice, guys: Only 13 percent of women said they are hoping for a hug.

But at least we're not in Riyadh.

Saudi Arabia's Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice just banned the sale of all red roses until Friday. These flowers, the authorities are convinced, encourage romantic relations outside marriage.

Which is, no doubt, leading some Saudi guys to shrug and say, "Fine, then I just won't buy her anything! She can blame the mullahs if she likes!"

So what's the modern American romantic to buy this year for the modern American beloved? Be careful, that's all I say.

A box of chocolates - unless she's watching her weight, then forget about it!

A bouquet of long-stemmed roses - unless they aren't Fair Trade Certified!

A bottle of Dom Perignon - unless he's still steamed at the French over Iraq!

An elegant perfume - as long as it wasn't animal tested!

Don't make that last mistake! I'm warning you! How'd you like to spend Valentine's night defending the blinding of rabbits?