Airline industry woes don't seem to fly in election

The word "turbulence" doesn't quite do justice to the current state of the airlines.

"Crash landing" is closer to the truth.

When a single airline, American, is forced to cancel 3,000 flights - well, that's a lot more than inconvenience. It rattles a crucial industry to the core.

For years, we've all complained about the assorted unpleasantries of flying. Now, we're lucky whenever the plane leaves the ground.

I had some fun this past week rewriting the advertising slogans of the major airlines - and pointing out how improbable the real ad claims are.

Shouldn't American finally admit: "We don't have a clue why you fly?" Shouldn't Delta really be saying, "We hate to fly and it shows?"

To be fair, though, it isn't all the industry's fault.

Sky-high fuel prices. Rising labor costs and airport fees. Tough competitive pressure to keep fares down. Not long ago, I had the executive of a major airline unload on me when I used the phrase "brand loyalty."

"People who spend $300 on a hotel room without a second thought will sit for hours on the Internet, shaving $20 off the flight," he exploded.

Airline people have a snappy answer whenever they get asked: When did the industry's tough times begin? The day Orville and Wilbur achieved altitude.

I get all that, even though I sure don't like it as a flier. But here's what I still don't understand: Why haven't any of the candidates for president made this issue theirs?

Deregulation, regulation, a real passenger's bill of rights. Anything has to be better than this.

It's an 80-percent issue, an easy 5 in the polls, nothing but clear skies ahead, no real downside between here and Election Day.

Hillary, Barack or John, are you listening? Which one of you is ready to fly?



WHY JUST TAX RETURNS? Maybe today's candidates should also release their DNA profiles. Ex-pol futurist Al Gore showed up for the opening of Navigenics, a genetics-testing showcase on Green Street in Soho. These high-tech scans can predict colon cancer, heart disease and 16 other nasty ailments. The next president will live by the rules of the human genome. Don't the voters have a right to know?



PEDAL-METAL: Friends of Michael Parisi are eager for everyone to know: He wasn't confused about the meaning of "drive-through." The 52-year-old from Patchogue had a brain hemorrhage before he drove his Hyundai Elantra into the KFC on East Main Street on April 2, causing part of the building to collapse. Thankfully, Parisi's OK now, as are the lucky KFC employees. Our prayers go out to both.



ASKED AND UNANSWERED: How soon 'til LIRR cell-phone vigilante John Clifford gets arrested again? Despite his acquittal in Manhattan Criminal Court, does enforcer John seem like a guy who'll quietly mind his own business from now on? ... Athletes around the globe are getting mighty excited about the Olympics. They want to know: Which country has the best steroids? ... Now that Lance Cpl. Margaret McMahon's relatives know the Marine from Sag Harbor is AWOL, not kidnapped, are they ready to throttle her for worrying them sick? ... Who says kids are apathetic today? Did you hear the uproar when rumors spread at Northport High that the anti-poverty club, Students for 60,000, might dissolve? ... Who's the real Patsy? The Syosset pizzeria or the Theater District celebrity haunt? Even after the jury verdict, Magistrate-Judge Ramon Reyes can't seem to decide. More briefs, please! ... Now that state Sen. Dean Skelos is holding "virtual town meetings" in Internet chat rooms, has the quality of the citizen questions gotten better or worse? ... How good an identity thief could a certain smiling, dark-haired woman be? Not good enough to hide her own identity. She was caught on camera at the Best Buy in Huntington Station, ringing up $5,000 worth of stuff in a clueless Brooklyn woman's name ... Should we be worried that the chief of the Nassau-Suffolk Hospital Council "can't explain" LI's below-average rating on the patient-satisfaction scale? Kevin Dahill's best guess: "We have a more critical audience," he tells Newsday's Ridgely Ochs ... Whose slogan sounds more ridiculous now? Delta's "We love to fly and it shows?" American's "We know why you fly?" Or Continental's "Work Hard. Fly Right?" Is your seat belt fastened for takeoff? Buckle up at once.

STATE OF DETAIL

The results are in from our 51st-state Long Island survey last Sunday, facing the hard choices about our stately future. Thanks to all who voted -- and to those extra-clever folks who e-mailed with creative nominations and fresh categories. And the winners are:

First family The Baldwins

Secretary of the treasury Charles Wang

State bird Circles the Duck

State tree The LIPA pole

Proudest traffic jam Southern State Parkway construction zone

Fitness czar Boomer Esiason

Official bad girl Lindsay Lohan

Official greeter Paul DeGrocco

A few extra reader faves: State motto,"Who, me? "

Official Billy Joel song, "Captain Jack"

For state insect, Marty Cantor at Dowling College (a chief strategist behind the nascent 51st-state campaign) offers the gnat. "We are going to be persistent until we get our money" from Albany, Cantor warns.

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