When it's hard to say goodbye

BY DAVE MARCUS | dave.marcus@newsday.com

June 17, 2007

When Randy and Valerie Rowe speak about their daughter's departure for college this summer, they sound anxious, as if they're sending her far, far away.

"Honestly, I'm trying to block this out of my mind ... ," said Valerie Rowe. "I'm not going to tuck her in at night. It's another planet - she's not under our roof."

Actually, Liana will be at Marymount Manhattan College, 45 miles from her home in Northport.

While doing errands the other day, Liana told her mother she'd made a plan: "For the first month of college, I'll stay in the city to make friends. You can come meet me, but I'm not going home."

Her mom agreed, but on one condition: Liana must call home every day.

After years of being highly involved parents, the Rowes are trying to find a balance between staying in touch with Liana and smothering her. Among the parents of the roughly 37,000 Long Island high school seniors scheduled to graduate over the next few days, the Rowes are certainly not unique. College deans say that this generation of "helicopter parents" is accustomed to hovering nearby - overseeing play dates, cheering at soccer practices and providing lots of hands-on help with science projects. These days, even as their children head off to college, many of those parents have trouble letting go.

Fixated on kids' success

The "helicopter" term was coined by a Wake Forest administrator, and the phenomenon is starting to attract the attention of academic researchers. They say parents are more fixated than ever on their children's college success as American industry tightens its belt and sends some jobs overseas. At the same time, advances in technology make possible an unprecedented level of contact between parents and children, whether they are enrolled in college near or far.

During a study a year ago at Middlebury College, psychology professor Barbara Hofer found that the average freshman called, e-mailed or text-messaged home 10 times a week. "That's a lot of contact in a period of life that you would expect would be more autonomous and a little more detached." She also found that 12 percent of college students say their parents edit their term papers. "One of eight. That's distressing."

Hofer said she thought her findings may have been skewed because she studied only freshmen in a remote corner of Vermont. So this year, she studied University of Michigan students from freshmen to seniors. She found even more frequent contact with parents.

Ann Hanson, Middlebury's dean of student affairs, says mothers and fathers show up on campus far more frequently than they once did for plays, sporting events and informal dinners. In the last few years, several Middlebury parents even invited themselves to sit in while a student defended a thesis, an academic activity that used to be considered off-limits to relatives.

Putting limits on parents

At least some colleges are telling parents to back off. Five years ago, Barnard College president Judith Shapiro attracted nationwide attention when she wrote that parents should drop their children at the gates of college and let them stumble and mature on their own.

Shapiro stands by her view. "I have no doubt that these parents truly love their children, but I think they have too much of an ego involvement in their kids," she said earlier this month. "Too many parents are using their children to bolster their own status."

Hanson, the Middlebury dean, has a different explanation: As the cost of tuition and fees has soared to $50,000 at many private colleges, parents have become consumers protecting their investments. Sandra Johnson, the vice president for student affairs at Stony Brook University, said that when she worked at another college in New York, the career development office complained that parents interfered while a senior was negotiating her salary with a company that offered her a job.

William Howe, a higher education consultant and author of "Millennials Go to College," a study of children born after 1982, said baby boomer parents and children relish spending leisure time together more than previous generations did. These are moms and dads who Rollerblade, play video games and watch the same movies. He said colleges "are grasping to figure out how to show respect for these parents while setting limits."

Some colleges favored by Long Island students are taking a stand. Colgate University, in upstate Hamilton, stresses that students must learn self-reliance.

"As hard as it may be, parents need to remember that we want them to come home independent, self-sufficient and confident," said Mark Thompson, the director of counseling and psychological services.

Long Island campuses also are trying to set limits. "We encourage parents' involvement, but we also say that young adults need room for their own growth," said Jerry Stein, Stony Brook University's associate vice president for student affairs. To serve increasingly curious parents, this year, Hofstra University opened an Office of Parent and Family Programs to work with parents so that they can help students while giving them some space.

Close, but not too close