Punchlines

Compiled by Ken Rasak, who can be reached at ken@kenrasak.com

May 15, 2008

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Despite her recent win in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton has almost no mathematical chance for the nomination, and almost no time left to catch up. Yet she still insists she will win. I guess she really did grow up a Cubs fan."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit ... and they're running out of money. ... Today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Hillary Clinton says she will break up OPEC if she is elected. To prove it she is showing everyone how easily she can break up the Democratic Party."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'"

Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Barack Obama had a big slip of the tongue on Friday when he told a crowd in Oregon that he had visited '57 states.' John McCain was quick to criticize Obama, saying the number is really 13 and they're called 'colonies.' "

Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Hillary is suing Barack for custody of the two children, Florida and Michigan."