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Love thy neighbor's noise, too?

Ellis Henican

June 24, 2007

We had Mr. Reams, the meanest neighbor in the history of childhood. To this very day, I am still frightened of Mr. Reams.

He would have to be 100 years old now, if he's alive at all. But I can still feel the scorch of his anger that evening he finally rang our bell.

"I've tried to be a good neighbor!" he thundered through the open front door, as my mother nodded politely. "God knows I've tried! But you people - you people - just won't let me!"

The bill of furious particulars he unfolded was so long and detailed, I'm not sure he's finished even now. The grass blades trampled by thoughtless Henican children. The countless balls bounced through his beloved front yard. The recidivist cars parked at his front curb.

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My mother answered politely. "I'm so sorry you've been disturbed," she said. "I'll be sure to talk to them."

And then she said two things to us: The man is a little loony. But please be considerate of him.

And actually - this is the part that's hardest to believe - we were.

We tried to stay out of Mr. Reams' yard. We hit our balls onto other neighbors' property. He quit grabbing the ones that occasionally flew his way. (We didn't budge on the parking. Hey, that's a public street.)

There is, it turns out, a Mr. Reams and a Henican family on every block there is, including Perry Avenue in Bayville - the most famous neighborhood squabble last week in all of America.

In the backyard battle of Bayville, the halftime score is now Grumpy Neighbors 0, Loudmouth Hellions 1. But the answer for the future definitely does not reside in court.

It lies in neighborliness and common sense.

Little Ashley and Chloe Poczatek really ought to pipe down when they are in the backyard pool. And their agitated neighbors around them really ought to remember that childhood isn't silent.

So just chill out, will you?

PRE-MIKE DRY SPELL: The last New York mayor to go on to higher office was - drumroll, please - John T. Hoffman. He was elected governor in 1868. Doubt me? Ask Gov. Koch or President Lindsay.

FAT "LADY" SINGS: Didn't John "Hairspray" Travolta learn anything from Rudy Giuliani? Pasty middle-age guys should not appear in public in drag. Yuck! Compared to these two, "Hairspray" original Divine looked almost cute.

ALMOST TOO EASY: They're the supermarket scanners of scofflaw world: The infrared Mobile Plate Hunters, mounted on the roofs of Long Beach patrol cars, scanning local parking lots for wanted license plates. What chance does an honest car thief have?

ASKED AND UNANSWERED: Who cuts Steve Levy's grass? All green cards in order? ... Michael and Dina Lohan: Did Lindsay's furious folks ever actually like each other? It's hard to imagine now. ... Privacy is important, but don't Massapequa parents deserve an honest explanation: Why was Schools Superintendent Maureen Flaherty so abruptly suspended? ... It really is a zero-sum game, isn't it? Good summer weather equals bad summer traffic. ... Who's weeping over the end of bonus pay for LIPA execs - I mean, other than LIPA execs? ... Are firstborn sons really smarter than their younger brothers? Or do they just bully the little guys into saying "Yes?" ... What was the single most-asked question at the big "Sopranos" garage sale in Queens? I know: Where's the stripper pole from the Badda-Bing? ... Be honest: When you saw the headline: "Biker Stabbed with Screwdriver in Hicksville," didn't you just assume it was a motorcycle rider? Wrong! ... Re the growing resentment between Rudy and Mike: Given the egos involved, what took 'em so long? ... Twenty-six trips outside New York this year? Mayor Mike must really want two free domestic coach seats! ... Gas is expensive enough this summer, but will it ever surpass the real premium liquid - bottled water? ... How does a 17-year-old boy or girl without a car find a summer job on Long Island? Some senior-class parents want to know ... To balance his "Unity 08" ticket, how about if Mike Bloomberg recruits a running mate who's broke? ... Legitimate news organizations just don't pay for interviews: What part of that rule do "the Paris Networks" not understand?

E-mail Ellis at henican@newsday.com and join him on the radio for "Henican & White," weekdays 4-6 p.m. on WOR/710.

HOWDY, NEIGHBOR

1 "Cindy's learning the saxophone."

2 "Pigs make wonderful pets."

3 "We're renting rooms now."

4 "You don't mind if my cousin pulls his trailer out front."

5 "Are 54 dogs a problem?"