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THE SUNDAY COLUMN

Ellis Henican

September 3, 2006

Does the camera lie? Sure, sometimes the camera lies. But not nearly as often or as boldly as the computer does.

It wasn't a camera lens that made Katie Couric magically skinnier just in time for her "CBS Evening News" debut. The image-conscious network (and which one isn't?) 'fessed up quickly: Katie's stills were digitally slimmed.

I don't know about you, but I smell the next big weight-loss trend. "The Adobe Photoshop Diet" won't actually leave you any lighter. It'll just make your photos look that way.

So much easier than starving on celery stalks. With the single sweep of a mouse, that mushy middle can just disappear.

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Katie isn't the only celeb enjoying this new digital magic. Lots of stars are getting their photos doctored these days. And not just with airbrushes anymore. Rosie O'Donnell now believes she was Photoshop'ed into "The View."

Who needs scalpels and Botox needles? This $600 piece of software doesn't even leave a bruise.

There is historical precedent to the Great Photo Slim-Down of 2006. I trace the current impulse to 1989, the year "TV Guide" topped Ann-Margret's body with Oprah Winfrey's head.

Neither woman was heard to complain.

But can you imagine the yelping if it had been the other way around?

GET ME REWRITE, DAWG: Police blame the "South Street Posse" and the "Old Street Soldiers" for the recent rash of gang violence in Huntington Station. No dis on the baby-gangstas here. But can't they come up with snappier gang names? These two could be Jimmy Cagney rejects. I guess "Bloods" and "Crips" were already taken.

TOO GROSS TO ARGUE ABOUT: It's already a felony for jail inmates to throw feces and urine at the guards. Now officers at the Nassau County jail want spit and phlegm added to the you're-in-big-trouble list. Fine.

LITTLE ISLAND, LITTLE BLADDERS: The Roosevelt Island tram is back in service now, outfitted with its first-ever high-flying restroom. Officials say the mini-john is really not for the five-minute high-wire ride. They're thinking emergencies like that seven-hour stranding in April?

SOMEONE HAS TO BE LAST: This time it's Charles Barron, the outspoken Brooklyn councilman and congressional candidate. He has the worst attendance record on the City Council, missing one-third of his hearings. Hat tip to NY1's Michael Scotto, who extracted this pre-election fact with a Freedom of Info demand.

CASH AND CARRY: Now that Suffolk County thieves are stealing entire ATMs out of delis, what's the next crime wave? A grab-and-go of the whole meat counter at Waldbaum's? Holding a dealership hostage instead of just stealing a car?

SERIOUSLY NOW: Could anyone in this dreary business possibly be funnier than newsday.com's Meredith Daniels? No one. Watch her prove it Sept. 14 at Gotham Comedy Club's Funniest Reporter contest.

ASKED AND UNANSWERED: Is Ray Nagin really sorry for his "hole in the ground" crack about Ground Zero? Or does he just need our money really badly now? ... If Andre Agassi is so awfully ancient at 36, how will the geriatric tennis star be hitting 'em at 46, 56, 66, 76 and 86? ... "Greedy" Huntington lawyer Thomas Troiano and "greedy" 9/11 widow Laura Balemian: Do these two deserve each other - or what? ... Was it a 631 mosquito that gave a 41-year-old Port Jeff woman West Nile fever? Thousands of her neighbors would like to know ... Any chance of changing the calendar to make Labor Day the "official end of summer?" Does yours last 'til Sept. 22? ... For the digitally remastered "Star Trek," has Paramount finally done something about Spock's ears and Kirk's hair? ... What is Major League Baseball doing to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Don Larsen's unprecedented World Series perfect game? ... Was John McEnroe really introduced at the USTA Billie Jean King event as "someone off the streets of Queens?" Those would have to be the mean streets of manicured Douglaston ... Can't someone pass a law requiring at least some sun on every three-day weekend?

E-mail Ellis at henican@newsday.com

and join him on the radio for "Henican & White," weekdays 4-6 p.m. on WOR/710 AM.

INSTEAD, LET'S PHOTOSHOP...

1 The first day of school

2 Size 6 being the new 14

3 "Survivor: Separate But Equal"

4 Political preaching at music-award shows

5 The Tuesday-morning back-to-work rush