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Punchlines

Compiled by Ken Rasak, who can be reached at ken@kenrasak.com

July 3, 2008

Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report," on the Supreme Court's decision overturning Washington, D.C.'s ban on handguns: "Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections."

Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Barack Obama announced on Tuesday that he supports federally funded faith-based initiatives. This is kind of self-serving when you consider that supporting a one-term Senator for president is itself a faith-based initiative."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Hillary Clinton has gone back to work in the Senate. She had to settle for a lesser job than what she wanted and is $22 million in debt. So basically, she is just another average American."

Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live": "The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and women, and young people and minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Wal-Mart is planning to change its logo, opting for what it calls a more 'authentic design.' Of course, the most authentic logo would have to be in Chinese."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'Hancock' is out in theaters now. A disgruntled super hero causes damage throughout Los Angeles. He should never accept rides from Lindsay Lohan."