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ASK AMY: Disclose affair, then rebuild your marriage

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

July 19, 2008

DEAR AMY: Can a man who has been involved in a 12-year affair resolve to give that up and devote himself to being a good husband and father without telling his wife what has gone on? One friend says it's unfair to the wife not to know what has gone on. The man has tried to break off this affair before and has always gone back to the other woman. To truly make a fresh start, I feel he needs to come clean about what he did and be given the chance to be forgiven and get some serious couples counseling. The other friend believes if he tells what has gone on, the marriage will be over and she'll keep the kids and kick him out. This friend feels that because she doesn't know anything, what she doesn't know won't hurt her and instead she'll have a renewed relationship. I agree with this point, but somehow it feels wrong. What do you think?

Wondering Friend

DEAR WONDERING: This feels wrong because it is wrong. People hold divergent views on whether a partner should be told about an affair if the affair is ancient history. This is different.

This is an ongoing, long-term relationship. This relationship has interfered with the husband's ability to commit fully to his marriage and has no doubt resulted in the husband telling thousands of large and small lies.

His marriage is in shambles, and his wife deserves to know the truth so the two of them can start to knit together the shreds of their relationship, if they choose to do so.

This process can't happen unless both partners commit to full disclosure, including facing the pain of dealing with this affair. The marriage might in fact be over, but if so, it was over long ago and the husband is the one who ended it.