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PARENTAL GUIDANCE: Son resists going to school

Beth Whitehouse | Parental Guidance

June 15, 2008

My fourth-grade son doesn't want to go to school. Every morning, he says he doesn't feel well. We've taken him to the doctor and given him a complete physical, even blood tests and X-rays. Nothing is medically wrong. I've talked to his teacher, who says he has friends and is doing well academically. I've explained to him that school is his job, and he has to go. But the morning comes, and it's like a broken record. What can I do to break this pattern?

Your son is exhibiting what psychologists call "school refusal." So far, you're doing everything right to conquer it.

It is imperative to take the child for a physical, because sometimes undiagnosed medical issues cause the child to truly not feel himself. You've talked to his teacher and eliminated obvious academic or social issues. And you aren't giving in and letting him stay home.

However, there is more you can do.

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Ask for a meeting with the other teachers and aides during periods such as gym, lunch, recess and art. Also talk to his bus driver. Make sure he isn't subject to bullying, said Jacqueline Harris, assistant superintendent of schools for the South Huntington School District.

"The teacher is giving you the best information she has. But there are large chunks of the school day when she isn't with him," agreed Leah Klungness, a psychologist in private practice in Locust Valley. Klungness was previously a school psychologist for 25 years in the South Huntington district.

Ask the school psychologist to do an unobtrusive observation of your child at lunch or recess to see how he interacts with peers, Klungness and Harris said. "That kind of information can help you piece things together," Klungness said.

Sometimes, it's not that the child doesn't want to go to school. It's that he doesn't want to leave home, Klungness said.

Examine your home situation. Is there tension due to stretched finances or are you and your husband not getting along? Was there a new baby or other major change? Is one parent depressed? The child may sense something is wrong and doesn't want to leave the parent.

If none of that seems applicable, consider that your son is just overwhelmed. Fourth grade is a big change for students, and a lot is expected of them. He may just be emotionally worn out from the demands of school, homework and scheduled activities, Klungness said. You could talk to his teacher about reducing his workload temporarily, so he has more time to "lie in the grass and stare at the clouds," Klungness said.

"Usually school refusal is not one thing. It's a culmination of things. Sometimes if you can just relieve one of the activities, you can tip the scales toward the child being more positive about going to school," Klungness said.

It is late in the school year, and you may not uncover the root of his issue. But you want to start on a positive note next year. Find an adult in the school to be your son's advocate, whom he can talk to without fear of repercussions, suggested Jack Pryor, principal of the Bridgehampton School district. "He needs someone in the building who is an adult who is going to champion his cause," Pryor said.

Talk to his fifth-grade teacher in the fall to let her know what was going on in fourth grade. "Ask the teacher to be particularly vigilant," Klungness said, and alert you immediately of any issues by phone or e-mail so you can talk them out with your son before they cause a repeat of this year's distress for both of you.

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