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Parents missing children at camp are 'kidsick'

Beth Whitehouse | Parental Guidance

July 13, 2008

When Judy Ackerman sent her 10-year-old daughter off for a trial weekend at a sleep-away camp this past winter, she had a hard time letting go of the suitcase.

Daughter Nicole was tugging it, but Mom wasn't loosening her grip. "Dad, Mom's not letting go," Nicole yelled over to her father, who was standing nearby at the bus stop where the children from Long Island were picked up.

"Judy, you need to let go of the bag. She needs it," prodded husband Paul.

"My husband came over and gave it a little yank," Judy admits.

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The suitcase became a metaphor - Ackerman wasn't ready to let go of Nicole. Mom did better last month, however, when Nicole left Syosset again, this time for nearly four weeks at Southwoods camp in the upstate Adirondack Mountains.

Parents are 'kidsick'

Most people worry about their children being homesick when they go away to sleep-away camp. But "kidsick" has become the new homesick. Parents are the ones who are doing the emotional adjusting when their children aren't home for a week, or four weeks, or the whole summer. In addition to counseling homesick campers, camp directors increasingly find themselves listening to parents struggling with the reality of their children being away from home - away from them.

"Ever since 9/11, people are more nervous about kids being safe and kids being happy," said Arlene Streisand, founder and director of Camp Specialists, a Jericho-based company that matches camps and kids.

That means more hand-holding by camp directors. "The amount of time I spend on the phone helping parents deal with separation issues in the last 10 years has probably tripled," said Scott Ralls, founder, owner and director of Southwoods. He also attributes this to what he calls The Age of Instant Access. "Parents touch their kids three or four times a day through texting or phone calls," he said. They're able to micromanage their children's worlds. Suddenly being out of touch - most camps don't allow unscheduled phone contact - is hard for them to handle, he said.

"I had that feeling mostly with my first child. It's that empty pit feeling when you don't know if they're happy or not because you can't talk to them," said Tracey Serko of Glen Head, who has sent four children to sleep-away camp. Two of them - Julia, 9, and Rachel, 13 - are at camp now.

Here are symptoms of kidsickness, according to Adam Weinstein, executive director of the New York section of The American Camp Association:

1. You're kidsick if you're calling camp daily to see what your kids are eating and who they're making friends with.

2. You're kidsick if you're reading your children's letters over and analyzing them for inner meanings.

3. You're kidsick if you're worried about your camper day and night.

You've really got it bad if you see your children in pictures that many camps now post daily on the Internet and you overreact, Ralls said. If your child is standing aside from the group: Oh, no, she's not making friends! If he looks sad in the picture: Oh, no, he's not having a good time! If she has sunburn: Oh, no, she isn't slathering on enough sunscreen!

Missing them ...

"I have to help the parents process how they're feeling," Ralls said. "We remind them of the process they went through selecting the camp they selected. A lot of the parents are very self-aware. They will tell me 'This is more my issue than my child's issue.' They have to sometimes move out of the way so the child can have the experience. Some parents don't want their children to have one second of discomfort. Sometimes they have to move through that to get to the other side." Then the child achieves the internal pride of accomplishing something that wasn't easy, Ralls said.

"My mom's going to be worse than me," Nicole predicted before leaving home. "I'm going to be having so much fun, I'm not going to miss her." Nicole will be busy water-skiing and sailing on the camp's lake.

"Part of her answer makes me feel wonderful, that's she's so independent," Judy Ackerman said. "I'm happy that I raised an independent child with the fortitude that she's confident and happy to be on her own and be able to do this. Part of her answer makes me ask, 'Why aren't you going to miss me? Can't you just miss me a little?'"