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PARENTAL GUIDANCE: Daughter's acting like a 'mean girl'

Beth Whitehouse | Parental Guidance

June 22, 2008

My fifth-grade daughter used to be best friends with a girl in her class. Recently, she made a new friend who says she doesn't like the other girl. So my daughter has essentially dumped her old friend. I feel awful for the girl and for her mom. On top of that, my daughter then sent an insulting text-message to the jilted girl's cell phone. The other mom called me and asked me to talk to my daughter about it. I am stunned by my daughter's "mean girls" attitude; she's never behaved this way before. What can I do?

Two things are going on in this situation: peer pressure and a form of cyber-bullying.

Let's take one at a time.

Fifth grade is one of the worst grades for girls in terms of wanting peer acceptance. Girls want to be seen as affiliating with the "popular" girls and may do some things they aren't proud of because they are desperate to fit in, said Laurie Zelinger, a child psychologist in private practice in Hewlett and a school psychologist for grades 1 to 6 in the Oceanside school district.

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"They feel if they are seen with somebody less accepted, they, too, will be seen as less desirable," Zelinger said. By the same token, "if they can exclude someone and put them on the outside, they are on the inside. Girls are hungry for that."

Inside of a day, alliances can change. "Often these girls like drama," she said.

The best way to address your daughter's actions is "empathy training," said Elizabeth Carll, a psychologist in private practice in Huntington who will present a lecture on cyber-bullying to the American Psychological Association at its annual convention in Boston later this year. "What if her friend had dropped her, how would she feel about it?"

Make your daughter consider the girl's perspective. Really describe it. "Lots of times they don't understand that piece of it," Zelinger agreed. "Just having them say they're sorry isn't powerful. You want them to learn something from it." Encourage your daughter not to destroy the relationship with the old friend.

Remain neutral - don't yell at your daughter or she'll tune you out and get defensive. But express your disappointment in her behavior, Zelinger said. "Kids at this age are on the threshold of being influenced by peers and still being influenced by their parents. Say, 'I'm terribly disappointed in you for behaving this way to so-and-so. Can you guess why?'"

As for the text message, express your disappointment about that as well. "Say, 'I want to be able to have trust in you that you'll use good judgment. This is one of those times you didn't,'" Zelinger said.

Have your daughter go through the steps of figuring out why she sent the message. Figure out what triggered her to do it, and discuss what she could do differently the next time.

Ask your daughter whether she would have been so nasty to the girl's face. "It's much easier to say inappropriate and negative and hostile things when you're writing it to someone. People tend to be more impulsive. They don't feel there's an immediate consequence," Carll said.

But such exchanges may not remain in text message form. Ask your daughter how she will deal with this if the girl confronts her in person. Or if the girl retaliates by getting her friends to reject your daughter. "This was relatively benign compared to what could happen," Carll said. Make sure your daughter understands that.