Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: The "pressure to engage in sexual activity" (your words) comes from sexual needs, which are lifelong. But how to succumb to those needs? You advise us to use "wholesome and appropriate outlets." But where is that spectrum of "sexual choices"? And isn't it necessary to experience all of them, including sexual activity that feels wrong, to widen the scope of availability?

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: A fellow blogger commented, "I'm not the judge here, but I find it hard to believe that blogger would be allowed through the pearly gates to find perfection in heaven!" Sex that feels wrong is wrong for you -- not because some advice columnist says so but because of the feeling that comes with it. That signal from the viscera is as true a compass as there is, and it's always on your side, sir, if you can believe that. Ignore it at your peril. So choosing to experiment with the dark side of sexuality ("to widen the scope of availability") is absurd and foolhardy.

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That said, you seem so obsessed with sexuality that I wonder about the real reasons it has taken over your life. Reading all your posts, I begin to suspect that something else is operating. Performance issues, possibly. Low self-image? From this distance, it's not possible to know for sure, but I detect a muddled mind. In that state, words -- mine and anyone's -- take a back seat. I don't want to pass judgment, but I do hope you talk this through with someone who can dissect your queries with caring.

DEAR SUSAN: I have found that women, like men, go for whomever they find good-looking.

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Funny thing about good looks: A positive attraction can shatter like glass if and when the attractive person turns out to be less than nice. And yes, it's exactly the opposite if the person turns out to be a really good person, kind and smart. Somehow, you begin to see faults and flaws -- a bad lemon that makes his/her attractiveness fade and disappear -- or the real peach you've discovered begins to grow in your estimation and become more attractive. Personally, I find the second date to be the clincher. The first one is so full of newness -- the looks and speech and smile and general disposition. That second meeting is so important. The newness has rubbed off a bit, and you can see and feel more sensibly. You start to get a sense of the person -- how he/she feels next to you, holding hands and perhaps smooching a bit -- and the way he/she might fit into your life. Suddenly, if the second stab in the dark is going well, little things in your life that once rankled now seem less important and more easily handled. Oh, what a difference a day makes! I wish it to you.