Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I read your Declaration of Undependence and connected with most of its resolutions. But my friends and I want to ask you: Just what is undependence? And how is it different from independence?

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Undependence is wholeness. I can't count the times I wrote it out, juggled all the ways it helped clarify the resolutions of the declaration. Over and over, again and again, I mouthed each one silently, to myself, and typed them to see how they made sense when printed. And finally, I said the words out loud, hearing the sounds of the words when spoken. It took me a long, long time to make each resolution crystal-clear in my mind. The way I understand it, independence is a condition of being insular, self-contained, not dependent on anyone or anything. Undependence is a state of wholeness, a more flexible self-reliance with the ability to entertain and encompass another's needs.

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DEAR SUSAN: You say "before we find our love partner," so that must mean we're going to find one. When is that going to happen? Then you say that we "must wait for life's timing to send a love partner." So which way is it? Should we go looking or wait? The part we have to face and discover is how we handle being alone, and that takes guts. The thing is that some people don't have to put in much effort in order to get what they want. So, Susan, where is the reward?

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The reward is a satisfying life. To get it takes guts, persistence, smarts and, yes, a bit of luck. But I find that luck favors the prepared. Which means, freely translated, that all of us -- with very few exceptions -- need to carve out our life for ourselves, to the best of our abilities, at times with help from the outside, at times with none except our own inner guides. Which means, if you're still with me, that we must take the inner journey to find out what makes us tick. If you find a therapist you're comfortable with, you have a guide and a friend and a helper. But the real deep digging must be done by -- you guessed it -- you. No one else knows what's there, ready to come to the surface and give the aha moment. It's there, you know, the essential you, your hopes and dreams and truths waiting to be unearthed.

Oh, how I wish I could give you a timetable for love's discovery. All I can say in truth is that you must keep on digging, hoping, learning, growing -- with faith that love and life will one day turn in your direction. But I do know one thing: Hoping and whining and watching others won't get you there. Do your own thing, whatever it is. Be kind. Be good to people. Have faith in yourself. And don't begrudge others' happiness while looking for your own.