She's got good reasons to be wary of stranger she met on the Web

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

May 16, 2008

Dear Amy: I am 60 (shudder) years old and single. I joined a number of dating sites, and I've been e-mailing once or twice a day with a man my age who lives about 1,000 miles away. The photo he sent is of a very handsome man.

He has been divorced for a few years and recently retired. He says he wants to find a new area of the country for his home. He also says he wants a relationship. He is planning a road trip and will be coming to my hometown for a few days, and he suggested we meet for a meal.

I am confused. Well, not so confused that I didn't buy a new dress. I am a plus-size woman. Short and very curvaceous and voluptuous. He told me he finds that attractive.

I have never indicated that I have any money, which I don't. Two of my adult kids live at home.

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The thing is that he answers less than half my questions. Actually, most of his letters are generic, and could be to anyone. He mainly writes about his cat, bird-watching and visiting botanical gardens.

I think it is possible that he writes a daily generic letter to the various women he's met on dating sites, and now he is going on a trip to meet us all. Kind of like a quest for his lady.

I'll find out his last name and address before he comes, but other than that, he'll be a stranger. What do you think? Do I have a right to know the purpose of his trip? What's necessary for safety?

—Confused and Curious

Dear Confused: You've got a great movie screenplay on your hands. A gentleman sends out generic e-mails to women, and then sets out on a cross-country quest to meet them all. Hello, Lifetime Channel!

You are smart to be wary. Two things raise red flags for me—the fact that he doesn't answer your questions directly, and that he is telling you he'll pack up and move anywhere in the country. This suggests he lacks connections, or is wanted by Interpol. By all means ask him every question you have, and if he doesn't answer, ask him why.

If you choose to meet him in person, follow the rules you would employ for meeting any stranger—meet in a public place, tell people where you are going and for what purpose, and don't reveal your own address.

As someone who survived Internet meeting and dating, my view is that it is simply not possible to get to know someone properly via e-mail.

You might do better to focus on people who live closer to you and are easier to meet in person.

Dear Amy: After reading at least two letters from readers about the unshaven armpits of co-workers, I had to comment on the topic.

I work in an office where all the men wear shirts that cover their arms at least down to the elbow. I haven't a clue whether they shave or don't shave their armpits because they are not exposed for everyone to see.

I wish I could say the same for the women. There is nothing attractive about anyone's aging, wrinkled, drooping armpit, either shaven or unshaven. I also wish these women would cover their cleavage.

—Seeing Too Much in California

Dear Seeing: Clearly you are very visually sensitive.

Do you deserve to be protected from the unsettling sight of the aging, creepy skin of your older female colleagues? I don't think so.

From here on out, you might consider limiting your exposure to this offense by burying yourself in your work.

Dear Amy: I am in high school. I'm in our school's drama club. Our adviser, "Mrs. Trask," is pregnant—she announced it to her class but not to us yet.

I do not want to be nosy, but how should I bring it up? I'm thinking of saying, "Congratulations," but I'm not really sure if I should.

Should I just mind my own business and wait to see if she announces it herself?

—Nosy Appleton

Dear Nosy: Generally, it is best not to congratulate a pregnant woman on her pregnancy until she mentions it herself.

When your teacher is further along in her pregnancy, she will most likely refer to it, and then you and your drama club might want to hold a surprise "shower" for her after rehearsal some day. You could serve cake and lemonade, and present her with a card signed by all.

Ask Amy appears Monday through Saturday in Tempo and Sunday in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

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