Movie Review: 'Movie 43' -- Zero Stars
Directed by Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, Brett Ratner and nine others
Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Greg Kinnear, Dennis Quaid, many others
You might have noticed that a comedy called "Movie 43," starring a lot of famous people, opened over the weekend. And you might have thought, "Gee, how bad could it be?" The answer: Very, very bad. Here are 43 reasons this collection of shorts stinks.
1. The testicles attached to Hugh Jackman's neck.
2. What happens to what's hanging from Jackman's neck.
3. That serious actors such as Jackman and Kate Winslet are even in this thing.
4. Dennis Quaid's crazed overacting.
5. The incest jokes in the Naomi Watts-Liev Schreiber sketch.
6. When Schreiber duct tapes his son to a flagpole and smears excrement on him.
7. It's less funny than the worst Funny or Die sketch.
8. Wondering what real-life couple Anna Faris and Chris Pratt's son Jack will one day think of the bit in which mom begs dad to romantically poop on her neck.
9. Richard Gere talking about people who "f--- these potato chips."
10. What's the one way to make a leprechaun even less funny? Have Gerard Butler play him.
11. The one solid sketch, starring Terrence Howard, happens toward the end.
12. Who thought casting Justin Long as a pantless, speed-dating Robin made any sense?
13. Speaking of the Batman-Robin sketch, the "Bam!" "Pow!" Adam West shtick stopped being funny in, like, 1968.
14. The title, "Movie 43," is just not as clever as "Kentucky Fried Movie."
15. The faux commercials wouldn't even make it onto "Saturday Night Live."
16. Menstruation isn't funny.
17. Given the involvement of Peter Farrelly, we're now officially afraid of the upcoming "Dumb and Dumber To."
18. We know you're capable of more than this, Seann William Scott.
19. Halle Berry will haunt your dreams.
20. When plastic surgery turns Stephen Merchant into an Asian man.
21. The time you waste making a mental list of everything you'd rather be doing.
22. We missed the post-credits Elizabeth Banks-starring sketch and we're thrilled.
23. The flick makes "Gigli" look like "The Godfather."
24. You'll judge any fellow audience member who laughs at anything.
25. The depression that sinks in fast. Oh, the depression.
26. The wasted comic talent: Pratt, Faris, J.B. Smoove, etc.
27. And yet: So much talent, so little effort.
28. Bathroom humor's not funny without clever context.
29. Emma Stone deserves better.
30. One minute of Snooki is still too much Snooki.
31. It's a bad comedy without Eddie Murphy in a fatsuit.
32. Stunt casting. It never works.
33. You'll feel your IQ plunge.
34. The whole thing reeks of desperation.
35. Common, Greg Kinnear and oral sex jokes.
36. The uncomfortable silences, on screen and off.
37. You'll compare it to all the other worst movies of all time.
38. We'd rather spend the day with the dentist from "Marathon Man."
39. Christopher Mintz-Plasse: You can't play McLovin' forever.
40. Dated references: Dancing iPod commercials, etc.
41. You can't force funny.
42. The purposeful "Howard the Duck" comparison.
43. As the ads promise: "Once you've see it, you can't unsee it."