If you've ever wondered about any of the above, you're in luck. They wrote about it. And now other celebs are reading those celebs' autobiographies in a no-frills comedy show dubbed "Celebrity Autobiography." It features a rotating cast of actors and comedians who perform selections from memoirs by Kenny Loggins, Mr. T, David Hasselhoff, Madonna and Ivana Trump - just to name a few.
The show is headed to Patchogue Theatre for the Performing Arts Saturday with a cast that includes Kristen Johnston ("3rd Rock From the Sun"), Scott Adsit ("30 Rock"), Rachel Dratch (formerly of "Saturday Night Live") and Mario Cantone ("Sex and the City").
ABOUT THE SHOW
"The concept of the show is performers reading from memoirs that were not necessarily meant to be funny," says Eugene Pack, the show's creator. He was inspired by Vanna White's autobiography, in which the letter-flipper laments about "how hard it is to open those panels," he says.
That was more than 10 years ago. Since then, the show has gone from the "best-kept secret in LA" to a Bravo TV special, to a monthly engagement at The Triad in New York (where it has been staged the past three years), to a touring act that has hit cities from London to New Orleans.
Though some actors take a few creative liberties, by and large there are no impersonations, props or costumes. The rotating lineup over the years - such as Ryan Reynolds, Brooke Shields, Matthew Broderick and Sherri Shepherd - simply read from a book on a stage barren save for a microphone.
"You don't need anything more than the words and these great performers," Pack says.
WHAT TO EXPECT
Solo performances of golden autobiographical nuggets - Tiger Woods describing "how he strokes his putt" and "never met a putt that he didn't like," Pack says - open the act.
Later on, "We do a mash-up and combine different autobiographies to create a he-said/she-said story," he says, including such triangles as Burt Reynolds, Loni Anderson and Burt Reynolds' then-secretary, as well as Eddie Fisher, Elizabeth Taylor and Debbie Reynolds.
The tone is "tongue in cheek and there's a wink to 'can you believe what we're reading?' " Pack says.
"The evening is not meant to be making fun of these people, saying 'aren't they hideous?' . . . The fun of the night is about the autobiography. What compels everyone to write their life story and reveal all of this?"
WHAT CELEBS SAY
"There's sort of an earnestness to all of it that's funny," Johnston says. "The more you believe in it and the more you commit to it, the funnier it is."
Adsit agrees, saying the simplicity of the show sold him. But there's still a challenge in performing the mundane: "To just treat it as unironically as you can and try to get the intention of the speaker without tipping it over the edge into mockery," he says.
For Dratch, the overall experience is "just kind of a lark for me. The audience always loves it and it's just fun."
And the fun factor keeps celebs like Johnston coming back.
"It's the least amount of effort for the most payback of your entire week," she says. "You gotta see it to believe it!"
WHEN | WHERE: 8 p.m. Saturday, Patchogue Theatre for the Performing Arts, 71 E. Main St., Patchogue
INFO: 631-207-1313, patchoguetheatre.com