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You won't die laughing at 'Killers'


Mr. Perfect is a hit man.


Not-quite-godawful mess of a movie never finds a tone, a direction, or any definite chemistry between its leads, but there are worse ways to spend a rainy afternoon during an electrical storm.


Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Tom Selleck, Catherine O'Hara


Playing at area theaters.



The mismatch isn't quite of Justin Bieber-Charlize Theron proportions, but Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl play an oddly disjointed pair of lovers, partners and reluctant assassins in "Killers." Even their hairdos seem to be working at cross-purposes. But the unrealized chemistry between the two stars isn't really the problem in this romantic-action-comedy-thriller directed by Robert Luketic ("Legally Blonde," "The Ugly Truth," "Monster-in-Law," need we continue?).

It's that the unwieldy thing seems be based on at least three scripts and three-dozen works of fiction, including "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," "Charade" and "Bewitched," while failing to harvest the best bits out of any of them.

The couple in question meet cute in Nice: Spencer Aimes (Kutcher) is trying to blow up a helicopter; the romantically rebounding Jen Kornfeldt (Heigl), is on a Riviera vacation with her parents (and certainly seems a bit old for that). Both Spencer and Jen have what the other wants, and after all the niceties are dispensed with, they end up in the blandest of suburbs, living with what seem to be the Stepford People - until the past catches up with Spencer, and Jen learns whom she's married to.

The way "Killers" careens from barely screwball comedy to Schwarzeneggerian mayhem to sobering drama must have seemed like a good idea to someone, but on-screen it goes on longer than two Nancy Meyers movies. The one really solid idea - that Spencer and Jen's white-bread neighborhood would be full of assassins trying to earn the $20-million bounty on Spencer's head - is all but wasted, at least as far as comedic effect is concerned.

But Luketic isn't really interested in providing a structured comedy as much as a platform on which to showcase Kutcher and Heigl, who are very attractive. They're just not very funny.

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