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71st annual Golden Globes review: Why not drop TV?

Tina Fey, left, and Amy Poehler host the

Tina Fey, left, and Amy Poehler host the 71st Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, Calif. (Jan. 12, 2014) Credit: AP

Why don't the Golden Globes just drop the TV category? Go ahead, Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- no one will notice. Oh, sure, there will be some stories by the usual newspapers and websites decrying the decision and then, 10 minutes later, everyone will forget about the whole thing. It'll blow over like nothing ever happened.

The point here is simply that TV doesn't matter to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. It's clear the members never watch the DVDs sent over "for their consideration." There's nothing to consider! They don't watch!

There's nothing wrong with giving "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" best comedy of the year. Until you stop to consider that the other nominees were more deserving.

There's nothing wrong with giving Andy Samberg the best comedy actor award. Until you stop to consider that the Globe voters probably didn't even know he existed until this year, and studiously ignored him on "Saturday Night Live" -- where he was funnier and certainly more influential.

They finally had to confer a best actor award to Bryan Cranston and best drama award to "Breaking Bad" because (well) they had to.

After years of essentially pretending the classic didn't exist -- probably because the HFPA voters really did not know this classic existed -- they had to give the show and lead star something, especially after both had become cultural phenomena and they'd look rather silly if they didn't.

After years of blowing past Amy Poehler, they finally gave her something last night. Of course, she's deserving. She was also deserving the year before and the one before and the one before that.

They did get many other TV nominees right last night, but you also suspect -- you always suspect with the Globes -- that some of these nominees scored because they are part of Hollywood royalty and to not confer would disrupt the all-too-cozy, happy, and slightly tawdry relationship the HFPA has spent so many years building.

The Golden Globes are about the movies. The only reason you get the crowd you do here is because of the movies. The only reason anyone is here is because . . . altogether now . . . of the movies.

This is the warmup show for the Oscars -- the only awards show that really matters to this crowd. If something that wins here  influences a member of the Motion Picture Academy to twist their vote from (say) Chiwetel Ejiofor to Matthew McConaughey, then mission accomplished!

The studios and the stars spend many millions to promote their wares to the HFPA in the hope of doing exactly that - getting MPAA members to think twice.

The hosts, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? (Besides the fact that they were MIA for most of the show?) I know it is now de rigeur for critics to fawn over them -- to love their shtick as if it's the greatest shtickiest stuff since Martin and Lewis, or whichever comedy team they'll be compared to this morning.

And yes, they were fine! Even fabulous.

But the jokes were so inside, so deeply wedded to the notion that mostly only the people in this room would actually get them, that this monologue sailed wide over the heads of 85 percent of people in the viewing audience.

These kinds of monologues tend to establish a simple rule, conveying a well-known code: "We, the members of the HFPA, are part of you. We get you. We know what you like. We know what will make you laugh. We love you? Do you love us. too?"

TV was an afterthought with Fey and Poehler -- an irony indeed.

It was almost as though the TV jokes were shoehorned in -- unwelcome interlopers at a party for cooler jokes about cooler stars.

But worst of all, not a word, not a nod, not a nothing to James Gandolfini.

I know the Globes don't usually go there -- “there” being those in memoriam slabs of the show that can either bog it down, or turn it into a funeral.

But at a certain point, you also have to ask yourself (HFPA member), what would you have done if a member of the BIG SCREEN Hollywood royalty had passed? You know exactly what you would have done -- named the whole ceremony after him or her.

So please, just get out of TV, Globies. Leave it for the  pros: The Emmys, or the SAGS, or the WGAs, or some industry body that actually cares about this medium.

Don't worry -- no one will notice.

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