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'Friends' reunion will never happen: Here's why

From left, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, David Schwimmer,

From left, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, David Schwimmer, Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox in an episode of "Friends." Credit: NBC

Shut up, Internet. Shut up shutupshutupshuuuuutUP!!!: The "Friends" reunion is not happening.

This rumor, this tired, hackneyed drivel of a rumor, pops up reliably every few months, like an Elvis sighting. It's almost turned into the beginning of a bad joke... "Did you hear the one about the 'Friends' reunion?'" Ha ha. Shut up.

It popped up again yesterday, leading Marta Kauffman -- she and David Crane were show-runners so she should know -- to tell E! that this will never happen. Someone with way too much time on their hands actually put together a poster proclaiming a reunion, it went viral -- just like the flu -- and gullible people the world over actually believed it.

I'm going to tell you why this will never happen, in Buzzfeed-like fashion, citing six reasons:

 1.) Jennifer Aniston has a life. Reunions are death.

 2.) All of the core actors have lives -- which is to say day jobs producing, creating, acting or directing. They'd need a reunion like another hole in the face.

 3.) Reunions are death. Oh, I already mentioned that.

 4.) Everyone associated with "Friends," including the grips and lighting techs, are vastly wealthy. Actors do reunions only when they are having trouble paying the mortgage on the Malibu Beach house.

 5.) Reunions are death... oh wait, deja vu all over again. Let me elaborate. Reunions remind fans -- and actors alike -- that the cruel march of time has walked all over their beautiful faces. These actors are getting older, and hopefully with age comes wisdom -- that reunions simply remind fans that their beloved Rachel,  Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross have reached middle age, and that they are no longer cute.

 6.) Warner Bros. has tried to get a reunion going and so has NBC -- but they've been laughed out of the room. The only reunion you'll ever see is on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and Larry's already done "Seinfeld," and brilliantly by the way. 

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