From tonight's monologue:

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, once again, I did not get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

“That’s not all, listen to this:  today, NBC announced that they are bringing back Johnny Carson and they’re putting him on at 10 PM.”


“The problem is my mother is now all confused.  She called me over the weekend and she said, ‘David,’ and she wants to know now when she’s supposed to watch Jay.”

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