Today is the day: That genius of self-promotion upon whose utterances we hang with ridiculously bated breaths, Oprah Oprah Oprahoprahoprahoprahopraaaaaah, will tell us what her big secret is.
This is the secret that blew her mind, rocked her world, made her go crazy with excitement. And what magnificent timing indeed! Just as she launched her new network OWN. Stories are everywhere. Let us speculate and parse:
[By the way, AP has just reported that Oprah had a sister, given up for adoption when she was a baby...]
- A long lost father: Vernon not her real dad? This is a favored theory, and one that seems to be getting traction, thanks to what now appears to be the one interesting factoid in Kitty Kelly's otherwise overblown bio.
- A long lost sister: A sister she never knew, and now has met for the first time; long, long lost brother must go under the same heading. I personally would love to learn that Oprah has a twin sister who is a famous talk show host in, say, Argentina . . . But here's the mind-blowing part: Her name is "Orpah."
- She really is gay. No no no no. Can we just lay this to rest, for criminy sakes. Oprah is not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. She's told us she's not.
- She learns that she has a distant relative who was . . . a president . . . a senator . . . a Confederate general . . . the Queen of England . . . nah.