Who saw last night's "The Bachelor: Women Tell All?"
No one? Really? Watched ice dancing instead?
Then: You missed one of the stranger encounters in reality TV history, an encounter so peculiar as to render meaningless the meaning of the words "peculiar" or "encounter."
I almost don't know where to begin.
As you know, Rozyln Papa returned to the show - she was dumped from "On the Wings of Love" back in January along with producer Ryan Callahan for what was deemed an "inappropriate relationship," meaning they canoodled just a little too much.
Papa - a mother, and model from Richmond, Va. - has denied the relationship, and again did so last night.
But what a denial. She even ended up accusing host Chris Harrison of pursuing Callahan's wife in New Zealand. Harrison said he wouldn't "dignify that with a comment." A pity.
This was a trial by jury. Papa was convicted, as charged:
Harrison asked if she'd ever had an affair with Callahan. "Nothing inappropriate."
Harrison said he pulled her aside at one point during the early production, and told her what was and was not inappropriate.
She thought he was talking about calling her son when the cameras weren't rolling!
Chris - momentarily stumped - backed up.
Are you sure nothing physical happened?
"Absolutely not. Absolutely nothing. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time believing."
Chris rambled on a bit about lessons he imparts to his son - the best policy is the truth, etc. - and then Roz said, well big boy, if you have the evidence, let's see it!
After the commercial break, honey. After the commercial break...
After said break, back to the other bachelorettes, who recounted lurid tales of stolen kisses on stairwells, of one night when she was missing from bed, of another when - topless, egads - she asked one of her roommates to go get Callahan because she needed her sugarbaby to tuck momma into the sack.
Cut to Harrison: A gleeful smirk.
She then asks, well Chris, you have cameras on us 24/7 - where's the real evidence?
Chris: You know we don't have cameras on you 24/7, and the producer would know when the downtime was anyway!
Case closed. Bail denied. Your cheesy reality TV show days are over for good, honeypie.
Roz's parting words, as she was led away in chains - well, what about that time you were hitting on said producer's wife in New Zealand? That's the comment Judge Chris wouldn't dignify. My hunch is he did have to dignify it with some comments to his wife last night when he got home.
And this, my friends, is why I write about TV. To watch the glories of the small tube - the grand and wondrous moments, that each of us will cherish for years to come - and to relay these moments in purple, distended prose via this blog.
But...and I just can't let this one go...if "The Bachelor" really did have evidence, where was it? There had to be...somewhere...in the thousands of hours of footage...just one indictable moment, one quick shot...maybe even a soulful glance between these two star-crossed lovepoodles...
Instead, Papa was strung up by a kangaroo court, indicted by the very people she was competing against, for the hand of one dear Jake - a square-jawed bimbob who will eventually promise to marry, then maybe even marry, one of these bimbolicious babes...only to divorce said babe about three weeks afterwards.
Where, my friends, is the justice?