Or isn't she?
"Dancing with the Stars?"
Or no "Dancing with the Stars?"
One website says yes - Lindsay Lohan is doing "Dancing with the Stars." Another newspaper says no. Another says yes. Another: No. Depending on who returns their call on the matter - apparently - determines whether they got a yes or no.
But here's the point: It doesn't matter whether she is/isn't. What matters at this point in her stalled, crushed, lugubrious career is this - should she? The answer is "yes:" She should.
Here are the reasons. To the list!
1.) There is something oddly uplifting about the "DWTS" experience for contestants. Some of them join with - admittedly - a jaundiced view of the affair. Margaret Cho (as an example) found herself cast as the resident Funny One last season, then quickly discovered that she had pride, and actually cared about her performance. I've seen this a number of times on "DWTS:" Contestants rise to the occassion. They have pride and (some of them anyway) professionalism. This is my roundabout way of saying: The show is good for their heads. Lindsay needs something that's good for her head.
2.) Hard work and structure: Lindsay Lohan is a 24-year-old going on 40. Too much life has been lived at too early an age, and partying of this magnitude is good for no one - which in ol' Lindsay's case, is near-tragic understatement. But what "DWTS" does is force the contestant into shape - every part of their body hurts, no matter how athletic that body, in short order. And to make the hurt go away, the contestant must work even harder. Again, this comes under the "personal pride" heading, but unless Lilo has none - a possibility - than the work regimen would do her a world of good.
3.) Away from creepy friends. Apparently she's a recidivist because of various old associations; of course, it's always easy to blame the old creepy friends, and not yourself, but in case there's a little bit of both going on here, at least this show would seperate her from that herd for a few weeks or even months. Much better than rehab.
4.) Not bad for the career. In truth, "DWTS" is not exactly good for the career either - movie or TV offers do not flow to the winner - but it certainly doesn't hurt. Over 11 seasons, I'm not aware of a single solitary performer who ended up in the minus column after the show. Even Master P's career continued. This was merely a strange blip. Same with Tucker Carlson, or Albert Reed, or Mark Cuban - who would have been fine regardless. The show simply does no damage.
5.) You will get votes. There are two ways of looking at this. Either people will vote for you out of sympathy, or vote for you out of spite. Either way, you (LiLo) come out ahead. This would not be a "Hasselhoff" - to be "hasselhoffed," meaning to be ejected after just one lousy episode. "DWTS" would make certain of a longer tenure.
6.) She'd learn new stuff. Really, who even knows what an "Argentine Tango" is, unless, perhaps, Argentinian tango-ers. Dance is an artform with its own set of obscure rules and regulations, all in service of something that can be lovely and elegant or flat-footed and horrible - if said rules are not obeyed.
7.) If lucky, she'd get Maks. Maks: The rabble-rousing task-master, the tough guy, the one who takes putty and molds it into a sculpture. Maksim Chmerkovskiy would be the ideal match for LiLo; they'd either destroy each other - or turn into a winning team.
8.) Nothing else to do. Studios won't bankroll her. Insurance premiums are out of sight. She's badly badly damaged. Even TV - certainly good TV - would be a long shot at this point. But a solid "DWTS" outing would go a long way towards redemption.