DEAR AMY: I am a nurse. I started dating a police officer seven months ago. We like each other and are getting along. We are both working full time and going to school. He lives two hours away from me. While we talk on the phone daily, he only wants to see me once every six or seven weeks. I asked him if we could see each other once every four weeks (because I know he is busy), but he doesn’t want that. He says, “This is the only way the relationship works.” I complained a few times and asked him if we could see each other more often. He suggested that I should find a new guy. I am offended. I like him so much, but I am lonely. I feel like he has more fun being alone rather than being with me. Does this man even want to be in a relationship? Am I forcing myself on him?
DEAR CONFUSED: Your question prompted me to do some reading on the whole nurse-police officer dating nexus, and my casual research reveals that, yes, nurses and cops can make great partners. Both professions seem to draw plucky, hardworking people who are drawn toward service, and can tolerate challenging shift work.
You don’t realize it but you are lucky. Why? Because you have clarity.
Your officer-friend is telling you exactly where he stands. He is saying, “This is what works for me. If it doesn’t work for you, you should find someone else.” If he was more into you, he would probably beat a path to your door, no matter the distance. But — he is not.
You are saying, “But this doesn’t work for me.”
Boom. You have your answer.
DEAR AMY: I agreed to be the maid of honor at a friend’s wedding — six months from now. She has been with the guy for just over a year. The bride admitted to a mutual friend that she knows she’s the groom’s rebound girl and is only marrying him because he asked. I feel like I should tell the groom this — just in case the marriage doesn’t last. I feel that she isn’t getting married for the right reasons. Not only is she expecting me and my boyfriend to pay gobs of money to attend the destination wedding that she can’t afford, but she has also been messaging my boyfriend behind my back (my boyfriend is showing me the messages), saying how she can’t wait for the wedding — so my boyfriend can see her in a bikini. I’m to the point now where I want to drop out of the wedding party, but I have already paid for my trip. What do I do? I’ve tried confronting her, but she denies it all.
Don’t Know What to Do
DEAR DON’T KNOW: This sort of frenemy drama is how I’m getting through the winter. So — thanks for that.
You quite obviously don’t like this bride. You don’t like the way she is behaving and you don’t intend to honor your “maid of honor” duties.
You seem to want to turn the bride in to her fiance to retaliate because she is messaging your boyfriend. Your boyfriend could easily stop the messaging, so it seems that the two of you might be enjoying it (on some level).
The worst, most ridiculous bride in the world deserves to have a maid of honor who believes in what she is doing — or is at least willing to put her blinders on and go along with it.
You are not that person.
You’ve already spent money to go to this destination wedding, but attending the wedding when you obviously can’t stand the bride is like eating a hot fudge sundae when you don’t want to, just because it came with the meal. You should turn in your “maid of honor” badge. Tell the bride, “I’m very sorry, but I can’t perform these duties for you. We also won’t be able to attend the wedding.” You staying home would be better for everyone.
DEAR AMY: “Dismissed Wife” talked about the lack of emotional support her husband offered her. You picked up on the detail that she had lost a child. Many years after our son died, my marriage started to fall apart. I now realize it was delayed stress from our terrible grief. Thank you for recommending Compassionate Friends support group.
DEAR SURVIVOR: Support and fellowship from other parents who have experienced terrible loss is a lifeline for survivors.