DEAR AMY: My freshman college daughter was not in a drinking crowd in high school. Her college roommate and her roommate's friend party very hard on the weekends. My daughter has gone out with them and makes sure her roommate gets home safely by cab, and often calls for help from other sober friends. Her roommate and friend berate her when she has to locate them to make sure "they don't get raped," since they are so bombed and out of control. Last weekend her roommate didn't come home until the next day. The roommate's friend called at 3:30 a.m. -- drunk, lost and incoherent. My daughter found her outside -- shoeless and wearing someone else's clothes. The friend said she might have been raped, but wasn't making sense. She didn't want to go to authorities, even after my daughter's insistence. My daughter watched her until early morning and insisted they go to the hospital, but the friend refused. When my daughter confronted her roommate about what happened, she laughed. My daughter is livid. She has told her roommate she can no longer take responsibility for baby-sitting her. She no longer wants anything to do with these girls. She warned them about their behavior, and after trying to watch over them she feels they have no clue how risky their behavior is. I know the roommate's mom and would be comfortable calling her to talk about her daughter's destructive behavior. I have asked other parents if I should call and there seems to be a split in opinion. Please weigh in.
-- Concerned Mom
DEAR CONCERNED: Definitely call this roommate's mother. Also notify the school. Both the parents and the college have a responsibility to try to keep these foolish drunks safe until they grow -- or sober -- up.
Your daughter's behavior is admirable but it is far above her abilities to keep these girls safe. How stressful and frightening.
You should tell her that the next time she stumbles across a half-dressed woman claiming she was raped (no matter who the person is), she should bypass the girl's stated wishes (she's impaired) AND the college, call 911 and wait with the girl until help arrives.
DEAR AMY: I am 29 years old and have been dating a man in his early 30s for more than six months. We met, felt an instant connection and began dating fairly seriously shortly afterward. He is wonderful, kind, loving and giving. We have a lot in common and we rarely disagree or fight. I enjoy being with him a lot but I am beginning to feel we would be better off as friends, although I am sure he would want to stay together. The issue is in the bedroom. We've stopped having sex. He seems to brush it off as something that just happens to people. We have had sex only a few times since we started dating. Though he speaks of it like it was amazing, I feel differently. I have asked him to see a doctor, but at this point the relationship is so new that I am not even sure if I want to continue. I feel like there is no passion and we're just friends. I wonder at what point am I allowed to throw in the towel without seeming heartless.
DEAR HEARTLESS: You are allowed to throw in the towel now. You cannot manufacture sexual compatibility out of thin air, especially if he has some sort of dysfunction, which he is not willing to try to diagnose or fix.
You will seem heartless only if you behave heartlessly. Don't blame your partner for your choices.
DEAR AMY: Regarding "Bewildered in Baltimore," who wondered if she should tell a woman that she had had an affair with the woman's fiance: A simple solution is to say to the cheater something like, " 'Shirley' needs to know about our relationship. Are you going to tell her or am I?" I have found this method useful in all sorts of situations.
-- Loyal Reader
DEAR LOYAL: This is ideal. Thank you.