DEAR AMY: When two people first meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, “I am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you better”? That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, it’s unthinkable that they would say to him, “I’m not that kind of girl.” Every woman is “that kind of girl” with a select few men under the right circumstances. When women say this, what they actually mean is, “I am not that kind of girl with you.” Why can’t they just say the following: “I have enjoyed our evening, and, although I appreciate your sexual attraction toward me, I do not feel the same way; however, I wish you well in your future endeavors.” What is wrong with saying something as honest and as heartfelt as that? I call women on this all the time on dates, and they are speechless, because they know I have caught them in a lie. Suffice to say, I have no interest in a second date, and I move on. I find this line of thinking disingenuous. Any thoughts?
Sam from Los Angeles, CA
DEAR SAM: If you approached this with more respectful humility and less angry swagger, you might — just possibly — get lucky. Maybe that’s how George Clooney does it.
You are probably correct that when women tell you “I’m not that kind of girl,” they are being disingenuous. They are politely trying to let you off the hook by giving you a version of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” You respond to this politeness by aggressively calling them out, immediately letting these women know they made the right choice. Whew!
And, by the way, many women are in fact “not those kinds of girls.” These are people who wait to know someone before they become sexually intimate. This wisdom protects them from complicated encounters with people like you.
If you anticipate every first date expecting sex after dinner, you should tell the woman beforehand, not after. Then she can turn you down in advance and save both of you the price of a meal.
DEAR AMY: I met “Steve” two years ago. We hang out at our local bar and go on outings. A mutual friend told me that Steve is too shy to openly confess his feelings for me, so last year I told him that I had romantic and sexual feelings for him. He said he was not sure of his feelings for me, but thought I was “cute.” He said he enjoyed our time together. We went out drinking and he took me back to his place. I tried to kiss him. He was shocked and said he hoped I didn’t think he was trying to “come on” to me. Once we were both sober, we talked and he told me (again) that he wasn’t sure about being a couple. We decided we would work on the friendship and he would not be so flirtatious toward me. Our friendship then recovered to its previous point. I have been content with our friendship, but recently several of our friends have told me that Steve talks about having feelings for me when he is drunk. He denies this. Should we have a sit-down conversation about our feelings again? Or should I just be content with this friendship, even if he is lying about his feelings?
Confused Drinking Buddy
DEAR CONFUSED: If you tried to drunkenly kiss “Steve” and he didn’t drunkenly kiss you back, then he is not attracted to you. It’s that simple.
You have been pursuing Steve for over a year. You interpret your friends’ statements and his mixed-messages to mean that he is coming on to you, and so you dive in. He rebuffs you, and you back off.
You two have been doing this dance for a long time now. But romance shouldn’t be so hard. If he is interested in you, he is going to have to deal with you directly — both verbally and through his actions. Drunken statements overheard by drunk people don’t count.
DEAR AMY: “Patient Passenger” was furious when a fellow passenger boldly cut in line, eager to board first. I understand this is annoying, but why does it really matter?
DEAR PASSENGER: These days, the overhead bin space is at a premium. Passengers sometimes compete to get their stuff stowed first.