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Wife’s recovered memory disrupts marriage

DEAR AMY: My husband has become very good friends with a guy I have known for years from my small town. They treasure the friendship, and share a love for a certain sport. The friend is going through a divorce. Recently when I was unable to get ahold of my husband, I reached out to him to ask if he had seen him. We texted a few times that day about a gift I wanted to get my husband for their sport. He advised me to erase the messages. He said he didn’t know how my husband would take us texting (no matter how innocent). I told him I couldn’t imagine he’d have an issue with it. He replied, “You must have never told him about us?!” I had a fleeting thought when they started hanging out that I might have gone out on a date with this guy about 25 years ago. I honestly couldn’t remember. He said we actually hung out three times. Again, I had not remembered a thing and I admitted this and apologized for having a terrible memory (I’m famous for it). The friend said he didn’t want to risk the friendship with my husband, and I agreed to delete the innocent text messages. I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years and love him very much. Now I am wondering if I should bring this up. I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to hide anything. I also don’t want the friend’s ex-wife to mention it to my husband out of anger/annoyance/whatever. How does one even go about telling her husband that she briefly dated his best friend and just remembered it?

Feeling Weird

DEAR WEIRD: One does not generally tell one’s husband that she just remembered going out with his best friend 25 years ago. Why? Because it is of no consequence.

However, because this whole strange episode seems to have become the plot of a David Lynch movie, I think you are now forced to basically lay this out for your husband, even at the risk of him assuming there is more to this story than you are saying. In fact, your biggest challenge might be to convince him that there is not actually more to the story than you’ve reported. Tell him this entire encounter had receded into the mists of time, along with other whole swaths of the ’90s, and that you were unaware of it until this person reminded you.

You can tell him his friend was very self-conscious about this, and that you only felt weird once he insisted that you delete an innocent text exchange.

DEAR AMY: I am already dreading the holiday season. I’ve worked for the same company for 10 years, through thick and thin, transfers, upheavals, chaos and disruption. The supervisors and management receive quarterly bonuses, but none of us underlings do. Every year, instead of offering a bonus, the company throws a “blow out” party, featuring a ton of booze, music and ridiculous raffle prizes. The party is very expensive, and not-at-all fun, unless you enjoy getting wasted in front of your colleagues and vomiting next to the Dumpster at dawn. Two years ago, one of the company’s guests was arrested for groping a waitress. You get the picture. My supervisor explains that these parties are our “bonus.” She says they want to promote a culture of fun. This does not feel fair. I’m not saying they should stop having the parties, but maybe have a less expensive party and give a small year-end bonus to everyone. But of course, I can’t tell this company how to spend its money. What do you think about this?

Holiday Dread

DEAR DREAD: I completely agree with you. In addition to these parties being very expensive, management seems to have mistaken “fun” for “possibly actionable.”

If someone were to sue this company for drunken accidents or crimes committed during (or after) this party, the expense could wipe out bonuses for many years to come.

It’s too bad that you work for a company that doesn’t value you more. But — you can’t tell them how to spend their money.

DEAR AMY: “Wondering” had lived through 30 years of an abusive marriage, and now her husband wants to reconcile. My husband did that, too. After every explosion and breakup, he wanted to get back together. I’m glad I finally got out, and I hope she stays out.

Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Fortunately, “Wondering” did not seem inclined to reconcile. I’m with her.

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