DEAR AMY: I've been "seeing" this guy for three months. He's 36. I'm 21. We had a first kiss several weeks after starting to go out. He always takes me out to dinner (insists on paying every time), and we go on dates -- like bike riding and going to the park. Last Friday he invited me to a bar/arcade and I met his friends. We all hit it off and it was a great night. The following day, Saturday morning, he asked me to have breakfast with him at a nice restaurant. The day after that, on Sunday, he asked me to a bike ride and dinner. I happily agreed. We ate takeout and had a nice night staying in and watching TV. Afterward he told me he didn't want me to leave, so I spent the night. We cuddled for a bit and then we fell asleep (opposite sides of the bed). He didn't try to be intimate with me. This is the second time we've spent the night together and he hasn't tried to make a move on me. Is he not sexually attracted to me? Or maybe he wants to take things slow? I'm so confused! What do you think?
DEAR CONFUSED: This guy you're seeing seems to be trying to court, not confuse you. Back in the day, men sometimes conducted dating relationships in this way. Spending quality time together was considered a respectful prerequisite to physical intimacy. It was also a different way of getting to know a person -- a way that did not involve hooking up first and learning surnames later.
You are 15 years younger than he. In dating terms, you are in different generations -- when he was your age, Tinder was something you started a fire with.
But this might not be generational. Your guy may just be deliberate and slower-moving. He may also be nervous about you and worried about how you might respond to being intimate.
He could also be gay, asexual, self-conscious about his appendectomy scar, or committed to a chastity pledge.
So -- it's time to talk about it. You can force this issue by putting the moves on him and decoding his response, or -- probably better for both of you -- you can initiate a conversation about intimacy and your dating relationship.
DEAR AMY: I've landed a great job, working in a tourist information cabin next to a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains. I love it. The one problem is "Bob." He drives the tourist-shuttle bus daily. He drives for an hour and then hangs out for an hour, back and forth all day. He'll return from a trip, then come into the office and if there are no tourists seeking assistance, he'll just start griping about the customers; then he complains about the weather, the economy, politics, on and on. He'll only stop when tourists come in or he has to leave to drive the bus. It really brings my mood down. I appreciate quiet times, I can read or write letters (no computer access there) or just peacefully enjoy the scenic views. I once said something to my boss about Bob, hoping my boss would do something about it. But he just chuckled and said, "Yeah, that sounds like Bob." I'm a captive audience. What would you suggest I say to him?
Tour Guide Needing Guidance
DEAR TOUR GUIDE: Your boss should not be refereeing your relationship with an annoying co-worker. That's your job. Say to him, "Bob, I'm going to spend this break reading my book; I can't listen right now." Generally, he will talk less if you don't engage. Don't respond or nod your head. Like the winds through the mountains, he may need to blow a little before he settles down.