DEAR AMY: I am at a loss with how to approach one of my very best friends and roommate of more than three years, “Cassy.” Cassy has always been a bit of a drama queen and a little self-centered and/or entitled, but until now it has been tolerable and I have been able to laugh it off or ignore it. We have a very close-knit group of friends in our city. Over the past year or so, she has been spending time with a different group of people from a bar she works at, which is perfectly fine with me, although I continue to see our friends frequently. I have directly heard from many of my friends that they don’t find her high-drama personality and sense of entitlement quite as tolerable as I do. Lately, we have been planning big events such as parties and vacations, often without her input because she is never around. When she finds out about something that was planned without her direct input, she goes ballistic. She expects everything to be planned carefully around her work and social schedule, and if something is planned when she is not available, she accuses me of being a terrible friend, accuses our friends of not valuing her friendship and acts passive-aggressive about me attending something she can’t go to. She seems to be completely unaware that her actions directly impact her friendships with others (including me). Because her responses are always so irrational and volatile, I’m not sure how to deal with these outbursts other than to ignore her and feel uncomfortable in my own house. Please help.
Entitled or Insane?
DEAR ENTITLED: You have the right and responsibility to react naturally to any action on your roommate’s part, pushing back in a common-sense, neutral way. Her reactions and their impact on her relationships are her business, and she — not you — will bear the consequences.
If she rails about being left out, you should simply tell her, “Hey, you snooze, you lose.” If she wants to be an active part of this friend group, then she is going to have to show up to advocate for herself.
To enjoy active friendships, she has to actually be a friend. She’ll have to figure this out. If her behavior toward you creates an uncomfortable environment for you at home, it might be time for you (or her) to explore other housing.
DEAR AMY: I have recently split up from a 10-year marriage on very good terms, so I am now single. At the same time, I have started developing feelings for a friend I’ve known for more than 20 years, since high school. She and I were never single at the same time, but now that we both are, I’m very much falling in love with her. We do lunches, dinners and outings with friends together and always have a great time. Other friends have noticed it and told me we should be together. How do I bring up my feelings to her? It has been so long since I have been single that I don’t know how to approach it. I’m scared of rejection and of damaging/losing the friendship.
DEAR TORN: You might up the ante by asking her to do something solo. Keep it simple, active and relatively unromantic. A hike or bike ride might be good.
Then you should see if she reciprocates.
Don’t lead with, “I’m falling in love with you,” but do say, “I really enjoy hanging out with you.”
I think that generally, women tend to be very proactive if they’re romantically interested.
DEAR AMY: “Wondering Husband” was trying to figure out how to get his wife to buy clothes that were more flattering to her (larger) figure. She might be embarrassed to try on clothes at the store. There are online stylist services where they ship the clothes to you and you try them on at home. I used one and solved my own problem.
DEAR BEEN THERE: I’ve been curious about these services. Thank you for the recommendation.