DEAR AMY: My husband of 34 years had an affair with a co-worker, lasting for a year. He has had at least one other affair that I know of. With the aid of a therapist, I confronted him, and he said the whole affair was a terrible idea, and that he wanted our marriage to stay together. He agreed to cut communication with the woman. She moved away. A year later, after working hard (on my end) to try to repair the marriage, I found out that the two of them had been having long weekly phone calls that my husband had gone to great lengths to conceal. I said that if he felt compelled to continue the calls, I would leave the marriage. Fast forward another year. The calls continued despite repeated pledges by my husband that they were not occurring. I confronted the woman and told her to cut it out, or I'd spill the beans to her husband. She did. Here's the problem: My husband has never apologized for his actions. He says if he is warm and loving, that should be enough for me, and I should get over these events. My husband is pleasant enough but is hardly warm and loving. He continues to have multiple phone numbers and multiple emails in his name. I'm not accusing him of romancing women, but I feel insecure. He refuses to talk with a therapist. Any hope here?
DEAR SADDENED: I do have hope -- mainly for you. Your marriage? Not so much. Your husband seems determined to deny you the healing and intimacy you desire. Catching him, catching him again and being proactive in driving off his mistress is pretty exhausting. You are expending all the effort to keep your marriage going. He is passively letting you.
You need to value yourself more. An apology is not the most your husband can give you; it is the very least he can offer. And he is not even willing to do that. Reread your letter to me. Continue with your therapy. And then do what you want to do.