DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I are in our 50s. We have known each other for 15 years, but started dating two years ago after my divorce (my boyfriend has never married). Neither of us has children and we are both only children. My boyfriend regrets never having had children. He steadfastly does not want to adopt; he wants a child that is related to him by blood. He seems to think that surrogacy is the way to go. Since I am no longer fertile, he wants to use his sperm with donated eggs. He initially thought I could carry this embryo, but I told him that would be very risky. I told him he needs to do his research and also present a plan for how to provide for the child, should something happen to us. Am I wrong to think he is not being realistic? Is it fair to bring a child into the world whose parents will be in their 60s when he or she is in grammar school, and over 75 at college graduation? Your thoughts?
DEAR CHILDFREE: You don't make one statement supporting the idea of having a child, and so my reaction is simple: If he wants to have a child, he should find a different partner (or hire a "surrogate" and raise his biological child on his own).
You are dealing with this very important issue using inadequate information. If you do decide to try to have a baby as a couple, you (both) should see a specialist for genetic, fertility and surrogacy counseling. Furthermore, he seems like a person who wants what he wants when he wants it. That attitude and parenthood don't go well together.
We share our world with a multitude of already-born children who are deserving of love and a family connection. The love toward an adopted child (and the family legacy you create) is no different than that for a biological child. Insisting on a biological child to carry on your DNA in late-middle age seems rather selfish.