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Mother worries about daughter's bi-guy

DEAR AMY: My almost-25-year-old daughter is involved in a live-in relationship with a 36-year-old man who professes to be bisexual. Of course, he didn't tell her this in the beginning of the relationship or (in her words) she would have run. In my view, just because this person is saying, "I am committed to you," doesn't change the fact that he lied to her initially. I am frightened about her decision to maintain this relationship, and it has caused major stress in our mother-daughter relationship. My concerns are viewed as interference, so any advice would be appreciated.

Furious Mom

DEAR FURIOUS: This disclosure shouldn't frighten you (or anyone). Of course, your daughter should get tested for STDs, but she should get tested regardless of her partner's sexuality identification.

Bisexuality might seem mysterious to you (and your daughter), but recent research has shown that sexuality identification is not necessarily set in stone -- and that for some people it is more of a fluid process across a pretty wide spectrum.

Any 36-year-old person would likely have been in previous sexual relationships, and the fact that he is bisexual does not mean he is any more likely to be unfaithful in this relationship than if he identified as heterosexual.

I agree with you that this is information your daughter's partner should have shared with her early in their relationship.

You may feel they've gotten off to a terrible start, but he is your daughter's choice, and until she makes a different choice, you can only try to accept that this is her life and she must live it, regardless of what you think.

DEAR AMY: I took to heart "Willard's" letter wishing he could go back in time so he could perform a "do-over" of his life. I am an elderly grandmother who also has trouble with regrets. One day I remembered Gandhi's invitation to "Be the change I want to see in the world." It occurred to me that when I remember a time I wish I had been more loving, what I can do now is to be loving (for instance). I work to apply this concept every time I feel a regret. This doesn't change the past, but I feel better about myself knowing I am going forward "being the change." This has made a huge difference in my life.

-- Grateful for More Chances

DEAR GRATEFUL: Perfect. Wonderful. Profound. Thank you.


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