DEAR AMY: I am at the end of my rope. We have an 11-year-old son with ADHD who can be very challenging. When our son is being difficult my husband intimidates and antagonizes, yells obscenities and sometimes hits or kicks him unless I intervene. Counseling has not helped because when the therapist tells him he needs to deal with his own issues he refuses to attend any more sessions. On top of this stress, three years ago my husband decided to remodel our kitchen. He also decided to remodel the two upstairs baths and the dining room at the same time -- no contractor, no plans, no timeline, no budget. We have had a barely usable kitchen for three years and the rest of the house is in various states of remodeling stagnation. He regularly overdraws our bank account paying for materials and tradesmen related to these projects. I have told my husband I cannot cope with both the stress of our son's issues and having the house in chaos. He thinks I am impatient and a nag. I would divorce him, but I am concerned about what that would do to our son. Our house is in no condition to sell and divorce would be financially devastating. Should I use the small inheritance I received, face my husband's wrath and hire a contractor to take over the remodel and end this chaos with the hope that this gets us back on track as a family? Or should I proceed directly to divorce?
-- Stressed Out
DEAR STRESSED OUT: Emptying your inheritance to complete this renovation will not really fix the problem because your sensitive husband would feel undermined and find another deep hole to dig for himself. He deals with his own anxieties and lack of control by creating chaos (has he been tested for ADHD?).
Most important is his treatment of his son. This is intolerable. You should pursue a trial separation, giving him a chance to complete the work on the house and you and your son a chance to see if daily life without this chaos is more beneficial for all of you.